Have you ever had one of those moments where you’re depressed for no reason? I have, in fact i’m having one right now. I’ve been depressed all day and it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. It got to the point where I knew if I didn’t go to sleep earlier I would do something that I would regret.

At times like this I usually have to talk to someone but right now talking to someone is the last thing that I want to do. I take that back, there is someone I would like to talk to but not only is he not there for me like he has always told me he would be but I seem to be mad at him and I honestly have no idea why. Well I kinda know why but I don’t want to go into details.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me these days. I just feel so alone and empty. I’ve been told by so many doctors that as long as I take my medicine the way that i’m suppose to then I will feel a lot better. Well if you want my opinion, they’re all full of shit. I feel the same way now that I did before I ever started taking the medicine. Hell, right now i’m feeling the same way I did right before I was put back into the hospital.

I don’t want to allow myself get to the point again where I feel like suicide is my only way out but if things continue on the way that they are I don’t know if i’m going to be strong enough to pull myself through it. I haven’t had thoughts of cutting in so long but right now I feel like it would end all of the emotional pain that i’m carrying.

I know I always take the easy way out and I hate the fact that I do but i’ve done it for so long I don’t know any other way. It seems like one addiction after the other with me when it comes to dealing with my pain. First it was cutting which lasted a year and a half of my life then I was introduced to xanax. When both of those failed I turned to suicide, not only once but twice. Will I ever be strong enough to deal with the pain on my own?

1 Comment
  1. kittencaruso 15 years ago

    Yes I do…A lot…sometimes it last a long time…sometimes a little…I know what you mean about sometimes the one person you’d most like to talk to…just not being there for you…or because of other “stuff” like you said u didnt want to talk about…you just cant…that sometimes makes it harder…Like the other poster said..sometimes I HAVE to make myself think of the other people I would affect…for ME I mostly think of my puupies…I am the ONLY person to care for them…anything happens to me..WEll…IDK~ I ALSO have had cutting bouts..my last cutting episode was so bad it scared me to stop… I am bi polar so..i get a mix of it all..not sure if u have depression only of a mix…I hope u are to hang in there…Know there are others out there going thru similar things..if u ever need to talk feel free to write me…out of curiousity what meds are u on? ~sorry im in a ramble mode right now 🙁 take care,,,

    *HUGS*
    Jackie~

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