I really do not expect anyone to read what I have to say or even care that i have written it. I'm only writing this to get alot of things off my chest. I have been holding this burden in me for so long and I just want to become free of it. I have suffered so long for my whole life, and it's been hard for me to really enjoy being here. I hide my tears, my pain, and hurt with laughter. Hoping no one can see that suffering, miserable girl on the other side. I really can't describe how I feel, it's like watching rain hit your window pane on a dark stormy night, or being this sweet little girl lost in a big city.
Some nights I go to bed crying, or thinking of ways to commit suicide without having to feel the pain of a bullet, or a stab of a knife. I really been thinking about suffocation. The day before yesterday I really wanted to do it, but became a coward. Afraid of what maybe on the other side. A heaven a hell, or another life. The weird thing about the whole situation is that we had a speaker come into our school yesterday, the day after I was thinking about the suicide, and he started talking about this girl name Rachel Scott. She died in 1999 from a school shooting, and left a couple journals behind. In those journals she wrote things that would impact the world.
While the speaker continued to make his testimony, he said things that seem like he was referring to me. He said that if anyone of you in this room feel depressed or have a bad outlook on life, after this ceremony, that may change for you. I felt as if he was talking directly to me. Almost to the closing of his speech, he asked all of us to close our eyes, and he turned on some emotional music. Then he told us to picture Rachel Scott in front of us, and so I did. Then he said picture the five most important people in your life, the ones who loves you and the ones whom you love, and if you were to die today what would be your last words to them, and I started to cry because I couldn't even picture 5 people. One of my friends seen me cry and she patted me on my back and told me it was going to be ok, and I hated myself for allowing myself to cry in front of her, in front of all them. So I tried to cover my tears like I always do, and i wiped my eyes, and put the fakest smile on my face and said I was ok.
When I got home that day, that ceremony did give me second thoughs, I thought that what the man said really did change my mind on the suicide. I was wrong. The ceremony showed me how alone I was in the world. I have a very few who cares about me, and it's the worst feeling ever. Usually if I have doubts, about something, I could always run to mommy. But I can't even do that anymore. The person that mattered the most to me passed away in 08, and that's not even the end of it, I was pregnant. The thing that bugs me is how do you lose the one that suppose to take care of you, and gain someone you suppose to take care of. I was in no way ready to be a mom. I never even wanted to have kids. Well my daughter is about to turn two, and she don't even call me mommy. She call's everyone else mommy but me. Do you realize how that makes me feel.
I have this one friend that I always talk to, and I tell him about my suicide thoughts, and he told me to think about my daughter and my brother and sisters. How would that affect them? He always would say, and I think about that too. But I mean my daughter don't know I am, me and my sisters and brother has been seperated, and it's so much to deal with.
What should I do?