a clip from my journal and this is open dialogue between my husband and I – I have read this to him. This makes complete sense to him….

I don’t even know if I want to revisit and go back to the place I was in with you in our marriage from the beginning when as you recount I was unfaithful. I don’t want to feel what I felt about and for you that gave me the need for something else. Nor do I want to return to the woman who was sexually frustrated seeking any man to meet her needs. Nor do I want to admit that the chemistry I had with my initial affair partner is something we have never had and regrettably I got to experience what that feels like at the wrong time in my life  which resulted in destructive behavior and mass casualties that you handled like no other man could or would.

Only after our therapy and learning what our incredible therapist has helped us identify am I able to see you in this new light for what you were always there for from the start.

My needs in this marriage and expectations for a man (not a team partner or father those of which we have always excelled) from the early years till recent years  did not match up to how I looked at you. Never. ONLY now after all is said and done can I see you and accept you as GOOD ENOUGH for me – in fact better than I could have ever imagined. The BEST and only man I could  ever love.

To be in this place where I hold you above all men in life required all the bullshit and lost seeking behavior bc before it all I didn’t SEE, FEEL, THINK, you were good enough for me physically, sexually or intellectually.  Now I believe otherwise through who YOU HAVE BECOME bc of what you lived thru.  Now I know, we were meant to be.