What ever i am going through is draining! I became very stressed rhis summer. My partner worked away on the rigs and he had been gone for a month. It was the school holidays and i struggled! I have 3 children. The twins and my 1 year old and i was pregnant without knowing. My son as autism and was extremely challanging. He was constantly pooing eveeywhere my house stunk! He was having break downs all day and i didnt know how to help him and his sister never and i mean never stopped talking and i was sleep deprived. I was stressed! I felt a failure as a mother! i couldnt keep my house clean enough and my once happy and parient self was snappy! i felt i hated my life. I had always tried to be the best mum because my mother gave me such a shitty childhood. Going out and leaving us hungry with no electric. Asking to borrow bread from next doors amd burning rubbish on the coal fire to cook it. I give my children everything but above all, every night they are cleaned and full, snuggled warm in there beds and loved! So why did i feel i hated my life?  I thinks its because i felt i couldnt cope anymore! This began my start ( with a few other added factors )

I’ve sais before i then had  very traumatic misscarrage. When i was 16 soon  after my mum died, i was on a abusive relationship and i had an abortion. It wasnt untill have my children my absolute guilt set in. I feel i have no right to grieve a baby that A. i didnt know i was carying B. how i would of felt and C. i had had an abortion!?

After the misscarrage my anxity qas crippling i felt suicidal! I was acting normal but i felt like i was locked on a jail in my head looking out some one elses eyes! Truely bar far the woest experence of my life. I felt like a black demon was glued to my shoulders and head and and was sucking my life away. My panic attacks were unreal and i was convinced i was dying from brain tumors. I was terrified i would die and my childrem would be left alone amd no one would know. It was a chiropractor that explained it was just anxity.

I started the gym and Yoga which saved my life!  I eat healthier, take vitimins and 5-HTP, i drink less booze, cut out coffee and i youtube the shit out of thing to self help and meditation. this as keep any anxiety at bay

My problem now is i wake up with a gut wrentch feeling every morning. Im withdarwn and full of dread about how i will survive another day! I feel sick and Im stuck in thoughts of thoughts! I cant think of anything other than feeling dead inside. I feel panic in my head not physically and spend hours arguing with myself! I usually snapp out of it aroumd 4pm! what is going on with me !?

Its worse this week as ive been away and havent got to the gym all week! i just want my peace and happy back so i can enjoy my children

2 Comments
  1. bridgie101 5 years ago

    I don’t think it’s depression, I think it’s an anxiety disorder. That feeling of panic I associate with my anxiety disorder. Depression I associate with my inability to get on with any tasks.

    I think you’re running hard, and worn out. You have as a mother to carve out a time of day that is quiet and belongs to you. For me that’s between 1pm and 3pm. They have their lunch at 12, we have a quick tidy up and dishes, and then lie in bed. When they were older I let them watch a movie but if I could go back in time I would make them stay in bed that time, even if it’s spent drawing or reading books. Because I needed that time, for ME.

    Have you approached any charities for help with your autistic boy? Autism is incredibly challenging for mum and it’s hard to imagine you can do it alone, especially with 2 other children who need your time and attention too.

    Just remember to keep your sanity. Keep yourself together. What do you need to keep yourself together?

    That has to go at the top of the list. I’m not kidding. This is not selfish. This is ‘put your own oxygen mask on first’ stuff. If mummy crashes, everyone crashes.

    My anxiety was caused by constant pressure and stress over a number of years, after quite a bad childhood that was unresolved. Pushing myself to get everything done was part of the problem. Trying to get it right was part of the disease. I had to learn to let a lot of things go that I like, but that I can live without. Survival is key.

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      lucywinterburn 5 years ago

      Thankyou for taking your time to reply. Ive been doing alot of soul searching lately and realised a few things about myself. Ive had to change my lifestyle choices and i think my patner is struggling with. We was always out walking down the ave shopping, going for lunch and a sneeky beer and enjoying each other. He come home and i now do a mental school run! My daughter at one school and my boy at a speical school that takes me an hour to drive. Then i have 2 yoga sessions a week.. the gym and thearpy once a week. I do these things because i need to to stay afloat! He thinks im being selfish i believe but i cant stop. I need structor! We still go out for meals atleast once a week and ive asked him to come to yoga and gym but he just wants to get pissed all the time! I think hes feeling a little lost but for the 1st time in my life im trying to do right by me! Im a people pleaser by nature! Ive suffered with anxiety since being a child but i had it in line for 3 years! Now its worse tham ever! I learning tools that will help me deal with this once and for all! X

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