What ever i am going through is draining! I became very stressed rhis summer. My partner worked away on the rigs and he had been gone for a month. It was the school holidays and i struggled! I have 3 children. The twins and my 1 year old and i was pregnant without knowing. My son as autism and was extremely challanging. He was constantly pooing eveeywhere my house stunk! He was having break downs all day and i didnt know how to help him and his sister never and i mean never stopped talking and i was sleep deprived. I was stressed! I felt a failure as a mother! i couldnt keep my house clean enough and my once happy and parient self was snappy! i felt i hated my life. I had always tried to be the best mum because my mother gave me such a shitty childhood. Going out and leaving us hungry with no electric. Asking to borrow bread from next doors amd burning rubbish on the coal fire to cook it. I give my children everything but above all, every night they are cleaned and full, snuggled warm in there beds and loved! So why did i feel i hated my life? I thinks its because i felt i couldnt cope anymore! This began my start ( with a few other added factors )
I’ve sais before i then had very traumatic misscarrage. When i was 16 soon after my mum died, i was on a abusive relationship and i had an abortion. It wasnt untill have my children my absolute guilt set in. I feel i have no right to grieve a baby that A. i didnt know i was carying B. how i would of felt and C. i had had an abortion!?
After the misscarrage my anxity qas crippling i felt suicidal! I was acting normal but i felt like i was locked on a jail in my head looking out some one elses eyes! Truely bar far the woest experence of my life. I felt like a black demon was glued to my shoulders and head and and was sucking my life away. My panic attacks were unreal and i was convinced i was dying from brain tumors. I was terrified i would die and my childrem would be left alone amd no one would know. It was a chiropractor that explained it was just anxity.
I started the gym and Yoga which saved my life! I eat healthier, take vitimins and 5-HTP, i drink less booze, cut out coffee and i youtube the shit out of thing to self help and meditation. this as keep any anxiety at bay
My problem now is i wake up with a gut wrentch feeling every morning. Im withdarwn and full of dread about how i will survive another day! I feel sick and Im stuck in thoughts of thoughts! I cant think of anything other than feeling dead inside. I feel panic in my head not physically and spend hours arguing with myself! I usually snapp out of it aroumd 4pm! what is going on with me !?
Its worse this week as ive been away and havent got to the gym all week! i just want my peace and happy back so i can enjoy my children