i hesitate to even write this because there's a part of me who feels unsafe even here.

The last week or so has been a struggle for me to hang on.  I lied the other day when I said it's not work.  It is.  Nothing tangible, though.  I like the attorneys I work with and, most of the time, I enjoy what I do.  Lately, though, I've felt as if I was unproductive and incompetent.  No one has said this to me so I have no reason to believe it.  And it doesn't make sense, logically, that they'd keep me around if I was that bad.

But then I think I hear my name in snippets of conversations…. things like "well, she's just not adjusting very well"… "she's going to piss a lot of people off!"… "well sure, just let us keep her busy for 6 months…"  And then yesterday, I thought I heard my boss say "[my name] doesn't know about it.:"   

There was a time when I would have marched in there and asked if I heard my name and, if so, what don't I know about.  I didn't.  I'm too scared of losing the means to help support my family to risk annoying this boss… the way my insecure questions always pissed off my old boss.

I feel like Sookie Stackhouse in True Blood, getting fed up at everyone's thoughts echoing in her head.  I fell like standing up and shouding "will everyone please STFU!!" 

And then there's the fact that no one seems able to look me in the eye for long.  Well, one of my J-bosses can.  He's the one who admitted a few weeks ago he just didn't have it in him to be mean to anyone, no matter what.  Made me heart him a little.  🙂  But others don't seem able to.  Like they know something bad about me and can't face me… or they know something good and are jealous… but my self-hate has convinced me of the former.

Compounding ALL of this is that I still feel like the odd-girl out there.  I don't like to drink/party.  My idea of a good time is Applebees and a deck of Uno cards or travel Scrabble.  Lame, I know, but that's who I am. 

The firm is not the same as it was when I first started there.  We're looking less like a law firm (and more like a big business) every day… and that's not a change I welcome.  I piss my supervisor off daily – a woman who has no idea what a legal assistant's job is, by the way.  I annoy the rest of my department with my questions (rather than simply taking direction blindly).  And I cannot find that perfect balance of where my role starts and ends.  I'm too used to having to switch hats several times per day and I don't know if I can get un-used to it.  In fact, I kind of enjoyed the challenge of juggling all of those hats. 

Hubby said last night that I always get a little anxiety-ridden during the PMS time… and it is about that time this mornth… but I haven't felt this paranoid since my last breakdown.  And of course, the fear of having another one is only making matters worse.

AARGH!!!  Somebody please just get me off this dizzying carousel of fear and doubt and paranoia!!!