I am me. There are a lot of things about me that apparently are not average but in recent days I have decided I dont care.

I take a long while to make friends. I am friendly right away. I just dont let people in very quickly. Seems that most of the time when I do start to let people in they decide they liked it better before they knew the real me. A wonderful friend recently pointd out that peoples feelings are their responsibility and not mine or my fault. I guess if people get to know the real me and dont really care for that….too bad for them.

I am probably one of the most loyal people. If I make a friend I would do nearly anything for them and am willing to put up with a lot before I leave the friendship. This might not be the healthiest because it often means I get hurt a lot but I have decided that I dont care about that either. If I end up trusting a friend then I want to be loyal. Its part of who I am.

I want to be able to tell friends how I am feeling and what I am thinking. If a friend decides they dont really want to know whats going on with me, I guess I need to respect that but for me…..I cant really be friends with them then. I can be nice and friendly but if I cant trust them with the real me and with the real issues I deal with……IDK it just seems fake then.

I've had several days to think about this and to try to learn who I am and what I want and need in friendships. Maybe I am crazy, but I am offended and hurt by old friends who say that they care, say they are still my friends but dont take the time to respond to my calls or texts. Who have time to post multiple things of FB but not connect with me. Who arent willing to talk with me about things going on in their lives, then post about them of FB but still say we are the best of friends. I have decided that I dont need or want friends like that. Maybe I am crazy but when a friend of mine is having a hard time I check in on them. I ask how they are, make sure I hear from them every few days. I dont ignore them for weeks at a time and then wonder why they are irritated with me.

I hope that people will be willing in the future to let me get comfortable before letting them in. I hope they end up liking who I truly am. If not I guess that I have had a lot of practice being alone so its not really that scary. Just a little sad.


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