This is the first time I\'ve ever done something like this. I think thats how most of these begin. I need help. Isn\'t that step 1 "admitting that there is in fact something wrong"? Well after the multitude of episodes of thinking I\'m dying or having a heart attack… there is something wrong with me. I have anxiety.

It think it all begain when I was in highschool. The stress of gradusting, not knowing what I wanted to do with my life, going to college, leaving home, finals, etc. etc. etc. I just remember waking up in the middle of the night freaked out, confused, not knowing where I was (lived in this house my whole life) opening my bedroom door, ran out, and full body smacked myself into the hallway wall. It took my dad running out to see what happened for me to realize where I was. That was my first panic attack. My father has always been my source for letting me get over my attacks. Which now being 30 and in a serious relationship its hard for me to justify calling daddy for my little freak-outs. But I really don\'t want to burden my fiance with them either. He knows about my anxiety but I don\'t want to stress him out even more with my problems when he has those of his own. And then he stresses out worring about me. So here I am. Relying on the help of strangers. Though, there is something to be said about completely opeing up to someone who doesn\'t know you personally. It\'s easier to listen, it\'s eaiser to talk, it\'s eaiser to release.

Maybe this is just what I need. An outlit. An open door. A faint light at the end of a very very long tunnel. I\'m tired of thinking every tick, or twinge that occurs in my body is a sign of my impending doom. Im tired of fearing death so much that it is affecting my life. I want to live free from worry, from holding myself back because I\'m scared of how it will effect me. I\'m 30 yrs old, soon to be married, wanting to be a mother. But if I can\'t get my anxiety in check what the hell kind of mother am I going to be? What if I have a panic attack when I\'m pregnant and freak out about being pregnant? Will i be able to make it through actually giving birth? Will the late nights with a screaming baby drive me litterally insane? Can I handle it? Will I be a good mother?

…this, is what goes thru my head.



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