I haven't  blogged in a few days almost a week I really need to I am feeling a bit down and hopeless really trying not to. I have given up on the st johns wort I  thought it was going to be the answer for me but it just seem to make me jitterery and more anxous I am taken cylexa and am back on the xanx I tried  to go with out it but I need it to get through my scrip only allows me twice a day but it seems I need three which causes me to run out before they will refill it I know I need to get back into therepy but it doesn't seem to help infact it causes more bills which equals more stress Lately I have become a major B***h I hate my life I hate the weght I have once again gained I hate housework I hate doing anything I do love my children and my grandson but beyond that I am not happy with my life… I am not in a healthy place with my husband I want to be but I get so angry with him everything he does annoys me I resent the fact that he doesn't contribute much to our finances (I am getting unemployment) He has 5 children 3 of which he pays child support on this is where the b****h part comes in I feel so bad about that resentment We have other issues as well we argue constantly over stupid crap he has to always be right he is perfect his kids are perfect I cant go on like this we haven't even been married a year… We should of lived together first but his beliefs wouldn't allow that I really needed to get all this off my chest I can't leave him he barely brings home 100 a week he was living in a basement appartment before rent free so I feel like I took him out of that situation and he couldn'dt afford to live somewhere where he would have to pay he doesnn't seem to show any appriciation for me and He still trys to be the King of the castle I have asked  and asked him to get me on his insurance he finally told me he hasn't done it because that would mean even less take home pay Hello I am your Fricking wife I do need to seek medical help which he doesn't even try to understand I should live without pills, just pray…. I feel trapped in a unhappy unhealthy life I do wonder how much of all this is amplified by my menopause and mental state…. I am working on getting back into nursing I haven't done it for ten yrs as I went to factory work because it was more money I just have to take a check list test for my CNA but I will have to retake the entire CMA course I want to do Hospice care so I will need to take the Home Health course as well I must see this through I guess I need to find my own happiness and contribute to the world in away I can be proud of I need to love myself something I have never ever done I know my marriage may not make it at this rate it doesn't stand a chance but I want to get healthy and then give it a good chance if nothing else just to be able to say I tried the vows were through sickness and health for better or worse I didn't know worse would be so early in our relationship I certainly hope I don't come off as a callous selfish B****h I am wondering if I should hit the submit button… I must though cuz I do need feed back


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