My apartment is a complete disaster.  I had last night off, and the plan was to at least start somewhere in here. It's been this way for months, though it is worse now than it has been. Christmas made it worse because now there is more stuff I have nowhere to put.  I was going to buy shelves this christmas, and an entertainment center, and maybe a bookshelf or two.  But the money went to fast, on things I didn't need to buy, so the stuff I really needed for my apartment was out. I've lived here almost three years and I still don't have shelves. I finally got two smaller framed pictures on the wall though.  I have like 200 candles, but not one shelf. *sigh*

I have no idea what I have.  I've done so much reading, and some things seem to kind of fit, but nothing ever really seems to sound just right.  I've struggled since I was a child. I've probably seen three dozen therapists in my life, yet I still don't have any idea what is really going on.  Most of it is my own fault though, I never stay with a therapist.  I try, and after a session or two I just don't go back.  In my mind it is because they just 'don't seem like the right one'.

I have more problems than I could ever list here. I'd actually have to sit down and think about it and actually list them.  A short list? I can try:  I sleep too much, I hate leaving my apartment, I pick at my fingers, I eat too much and when not hungry, I daydream a lot, I've attempted suicide at least 6 times in my life, I smoked about two packs of cigarettes a day until a week ago when I quit, I take anything I can get my hands on such as sleeping pills, pain pills etc., I contstantly worry, I hate groups of people such as meetings, stores, etc., I have a very hard time going out alone, there are times when I will work on my website on only like two hours sleep for days, I can easily spend 100 dollars at a dollar store lol, I never cook but eat mostly junk from the gas station or the machines at work, as a result i've gained enough weight to be very unhappy about it, i struggle to do simple things like laundry/dishes often putting it off for days, weeks even months, find it hard to concentrate, lack motivation, have attendance issues with work like i had back in school, get very quiet around people, find it hard at times to articulate what i am thinking…

I could go on forever, but I won't.  Right now I am not seeing a therapist.  I tried recently, used my work's employee assistance, but like i figured they scheduled me with a therapist who didn't seem to really understand.  It lasted two sessions.   In a way I'm used to this.  My entire life has been me dealing with things the way that I do.  I'd love to get help, get to a place where I can move forward, yet it's very very easy to just keep sitting here.  I am happy that I have my own place, my own job of three years with insurance, etc.  I've proven to myself that I can live well on my own, but you know, I think my definition of 'well' is different than the world's.  I never let anyone come over anymore, which sucks.  But what can I do? The place is trashed.   I seemed to have successfully pushed almost everyone away.  Or at least back to a distance I'm confortable with. 

I'm not so sure what to do at this point.


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