I realize I'm not getting better. I'm doing all the same things I was doing before. Drinking, over spending, going nuts on and off line. I am like a caged animal. I feel like I need to get away from myself.
Last night K asked to get a drink with me, but I didn't get his text til 10 pm. I asked him over to watch a movie, but again he declined because he said his back hurt. I think was telling the truth about his back, I know he has back problems…but I also think he declined because my parents are here.
I told him I wished I was there to help him, he said he was in pain. Around 2 am my texts started bouncing and I was drunk so I panicked and was texting him "Are you there?" When I got his text this morning he said "Ok!" but I don't know what it was in response to because I had texted several things a few which have bounced. I really hope I didn't piss him off or upset him in anyway or make myself seem desperate. But I was drinking and thought I'd lose him… Oh God, I always fear it will go back to those years 2008 – 2011 when he all but completely forgot about me… he had someone and he barely gave me the time of day… I can't live like that again, I can't I can't I can't!!!
Oh I wish he came over last night. I cut my hair. My pretty long hair is now short once again. God, what the fuck am I going to do with myself? My therapist is so expensive and she doesn't really help, at least not enough. If I weren't always anxious and lonely I would not drink by myself. I only do it when I can't take how I feel in my skin anymore, unfortunately that's a lot!
Ah, speaking of skin. I remember how the drinking started last night. I was depressed not only about K, but because I am so so fat. Even within the last month I gained weight. I am huge now, a size 10 in fact. Back 6 months ago I was a 6. I rapidly put weight on, I was an 8 just a couple of months ago, it's so out of control… as long as I keep food away from me, that is fatty food, good tasting food, I think I can stick to eating lighter. But I don't want to excersise and that is what I need, I am just too fat to lose weight without excersise.
My clothes don't fit. I'm fat and getting fatter, I was just so disgusted, I drank to hide the pain. Then listened to music on You Tube. The same shit on FB, the same damage done I can't take back. My hair is gone, I'm fat… I am finding at least 2 reasons not to see K anyway… God I don't want to lose him again though.
The only good thing that came out of last night was I told him I missed him. And he texted back "Miss you too."