I am new to this blogging thing.  I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, but have been undergoing treatment and taking medication for about 4 years now.  It has been rather successful for me. 

I got engaged 2 months ago and I could not love my fiance’ more.  Even though we are not married I know what it can be like to have someone leave you because things get a little bit tough from a mental disorder that you can’t control having in the first place and I am committed to staying by his side.

He has had maybe two or three bad days or few hours in the past 6 months, but that is all.  Then about a week ago… it was like he had a breakdown.  My mom is a social worker and she said it is very important to find what triggers these things happening.  His last huge onset was in 2001 when his grandmother passed away.  This time I don’t know what caused this attack.

I just know that the fact that he would rather die than be worried, anxious, nervous, and constantly have his mind wandering breaks my heart.  I will stick through this with him, but I am terrified.  I caught him cutting his arm yesterday with a knife.  Now I feel like he shouldn’t be alone and needs to be admitted somewhere.  He said he wasn’t trying to commit suicide, he is an RN so if he wanted to die he knows how, he just wanted to feel something more painful than what he feels inside.  I know what that feels like… but I have never been so out of tune with things that I don’t even take showers, put on clean clothes, or do any of the normal functional things on my own.  I have to tell him to bathe, put on clean nicer clothes, etc.  He is very clean and neat so this is abnormal. 

I drove to his parent’s with him and made up an excuse for us to stay the night there, spending time with his nephew.  He is hanging out with his parents and nephew today and I get home from work before he will get home from being gone with them.

I hid the knives, even the butter knives…. should I hide the pills too?  He sees the psychiatrist Monday… this will be a long weekend…. I work a twelve on Sat and Sun… so I have no idea what I am going to do… I do not trust him alone.