Well.. how do these things even start? What am I even doing? Tonight was a bad night, which is really frustrating because I feel like I’ve been doing okay for awhile. But here I am.. it’s 7am, I’ve been awake all night and I can’t see sleep happening anytime soon. I’ve read quite a few blogs on here, and I admit it’s incredibly refreshing to read things from people who I know will understand, even if only slightly. I guess I’m just feeling alone. When I shouldn’t be, I have the few friends I need, I live with my girlfriend and our wonderfully fat ginger cat. I should be happy. And I think I am? So why the panic attacks? What am I anxious about? Why have I spent this entire night trying to convince myself that I’m not having a heart attack and that I’m gonna be okay, whilst feeling my heart beat throughout my entire body. Not wanting to wake my girlfriend up because I’m so worried about her getting fed up of dealing with my unnecessary panicking. Which is ridiculous, cause logically I know she will always be there for me. She always has been, when my mum died, through everything.
So, I’ve done everything I should’ve. I’ve been to the doctors, gotten all their pills. I take them all daily. I see the therapist I got referred to and it does help, it really does. If I compare how I am now to how I was 2 months ago.. well, there’s a big difference. But it’s just nights like tonight, when no ones there and I cannot control my thoughts or feelings. When I am 100% sure that I’m about to have a heart attack and that’s it, the fear is so crippling I feel it in my chest and back. Now, I know no one will read this, well actually, thats not true. Before I started writing this I actually read a few blogs, and they were helpful. So I guess it’s just as likely that someone will pass through this. If you do, and you understand how I’m feeling even for a second? Well i guess you can be comforted by the same feeling I was. You’re not alone.