So depression isn't foriegn to me. I have been depressed on and off for about nine or ten years. I have even tried suicide. I didn't complete it, obviously, but its something I feel i really need to talk about now. I tried to commit suicide in 2009 by strangling myself with a thin fabric blue and black floral print scarf. I remember i had just had a fight with my parents, who to this day don't know about my attempt. They have never really had any understanding of… me. But that is something i will write about later. After the verbal war, i went to my room and started crying… and thinking… and making assumption after assumption. The biggest assumption i made was that everyone would be better off without me. I caused EVERYONE too much pain and frustration and I didn't deserve to live. I was too different and no one could ever understand me, with the exception of me. Durring this thought process i was sitting on my bed accross from my mirror. At the height of emotion i found the scarf i would normally tie in my hair and insted wound it around my neck finishing it with a half knot. From there i started to tighten it and tried to push out all the air from my lungs… I'm still crying durring this and the tears are slowing down, but still flowing. My body protests and I keep taking in air as i try to push more out. As I mentioned before i was sitting on my bed across from my dresser mirror. I stare at my self while i'm crying and try to keep the scarf tight. I watch my face get red and watch as it continues to change color. The sight in the mirror was pitiful and I felt so weak and bad, and sad, and pathetic. I hated how pathetic i felt and feeling this hate for the self loathing i felt, I loosened the scarf and i took a breath. I tried a couple more time to stop breathing but my hate for my self loathing and seeeing how ugly i was with my red face and tear staind eyes and cheeks, I couldn't finish my goal of death. So i stopped trying and laid down and just on a whim picked up my Bible, truely just on a whin because i'm not very religious, and I flipped to a page. The first thing i saw and read to myself was Psalm 91. It actually made me feel a lot better. i read it a couple more times after the first and then marked it and fell asleep, feeling empty and sad, and pathetic, and misunderstood, and just moslty just void of emotion. I felt empty for about a week and then went back to wearing my mask of pleasentness… So there. It is out. I haven't let myself get to that piont since then, but I still have a self destructive nature. When i feel like i can't handle things or like i'm about to fall apart i turn to descreet cutting. Its nothing life threatening and i've been doing it for about three years now. Always in the same area on my left hip. Never really more than a papercut. I shed a couple drops of blood that dries in about three to five minutes. I know cutting is normally a call out for attention, but i swear none of this is to just to get attention. My excuse for the "scratches" is that it reminds me that everything heals and gets better with a little time. Its a little twisted… I just read through this post again and i'm surprised at how short it actually is… its taken over an hour to write this… 🙁

0 Comments

Leave a reply

© 2021 WebTribes Inc. | find your tribe

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account