i'm feeling anxious. its very hard to do anything. today i should buy a bathing suit, because we are going swimming at work on tuesday. i dont know where to find them in my size. ill check the internet now.

i took my medication today. guess i should try taking it every day. i did have some happiness on friday night. I went to dinner with some ladies, i guess they're my friends? we went to this cafe where the owner is an artist. we went downstairs to look at his work, and he showed us his cat and her kittens. i held a ginger kitten. it was so adorable. its little face was so perfect. would take it home but not capable of looking after it. but i loved holding it. i think animals help depressed people, but my living situation doesnt allow for any cute animals. maybe goldfish.

i feel like i keep falling down, and have to keep dusting myself off and getting back on my feet again. its like a scratch on a record. It feels good to write right now.is this what life is about? you keep falling down, and you keep brushing yourself off and trying again? bad stuff, way more bad stuff happens to other people, and here i am freaking out about everything. and it scares me because maybe it means im not meant to live. maybe im incapable of life and the cruel cards it could deal me. How do i find the stregnth? How do i stop being afraid?

Sometimes i dont want to take my pills. im scared of being well. if i become well again, and i fuck up at something, ori do something really stupid, or whatever, i wont have the depression to fall back on. people will hate me. when you're unwell, you have this armour against the world. its like an armor that other people give you. they are more understanding towards you, they walk on eggshells somewhat, they try to make you feel better. they are kinder to you.

Sometimes i wish that mental illnesses werent diagnosed, or given recognition. sometimes i wish that it was just a normal thing that people go through, like sleeping or breathing. then i think the world would be different, yknow? I dont really know what im talking about.

signing off now.


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