I'm not sure but I think the SamE may be having an effect. I'll have to see how it goes over time because really this could just be an upswing in what seems to be a cyclic pattern of depression. Could also be that the breif experiment in relapse knocked something loose.

In either case, I'm glad I was scared straight again. I had some questions that are now answered. Does alcohol work again? No. Am I still an alcoholic? Yes.

It reaffirmed my decision to quit drinking and made it less intolerable. But it also opened my eyes to this thing I've been experiencing. While thrust into it, I couldn't be objective at all. I've been able to maintain my objectivity for about a week now.

Got access to an audio book, 'The Mindful Way Through Depression', also the hypnotherapy sessions seem to be effective. At least in gearing up into a certain mind set if you already want to be there, and for deep relaxation.

I experience two things. A persistent low mood that can last for ages. I often feel guilt about this. And bouts of anxiety from time to time that generally thrust me into an extremely low not rational at all mood.

The book has already helped me to understand some of this. And also to stop trying to solve it. I'm a highlly educated problem solver, that is the skill I've spent my life developing. Please don't confuse that with common sense. They are two very different things. I just kept digging deeper and deeper frantically looking for answers, taking my mind and my history and and everything I could think of apart from this angle or that angle, hoping to find the typo in the code so this damn thing would run right and I could stop feeling this way. Well that maybe isn't the right approach to solving this type of problem.

And I'm staying true to my resolve. Not going to be sad on Valentines day. I can't say I'm not going to be 'sad', cause I'm depressed, of course I'm sad. But not sadder then usual.

It brings things into perspective. It also justifies measures of self care that I didn't feel I should need before. But maybe they're not such a bad idea. Quiet, rest, space, time out for relaxation. Mostly avoiding rumination, self-pity, worry and upset. Which of course can't be avoided, but I don't have to stay around, do what i can and then walk away.

My productivity has been A LOT better. That is the part of depression that motivates me to do something, ANYTHING. When I can't get anything done that's where I draw the line.

Yeah, my ability to focus and feel anything positive and not fixate is enhanced. I'm not sure I can always choose to do this, but I should make good of it during these periods of lucidity.