i thought hail was going to burst through my windows this a.m. – it was like a mass stoning my 100 major league pitchers.  My front roon is lined with windows, and the sound was overwhelming.  I knew the windows couldn’t take a beating like that for too long, so I grabbed the pc, and got Charlie to come with me into the hallway (not safe, but safer).  That part of the storm, the worst of it, only lasted 15 min or so – thank god, because my windows were on the verge of declaring defeat.  It would’ve been so bad – glass would’ve blown everywhere – the wind was ripping huge limbs off trees – madness.   It was a little scary.  But, brief enough, and we were spared the shattering, and the flying glass projectiles.

I keep accidentally deleting entries.

Ace says I need to save these elsewhere before I post so that I don’t lose so many entries.  No doubt, that’s good advice, but as the added step would likely negate some of my more nutty, off-the-cuff, thought spilling, I probably won’t do it (like a lot of things that make sense). 

One thing I can’t get off my mind is that I maye have aliienated one of the most important people in my life.  I am a [email protected] jinx.  I could ruin a [email protected] sunrise – I don’t know how, but I could find a way.   I mess up what works, to  protect what doesn’t.  I am an ass.  Hopefully, it will be okay.

I want to put my fist through something, right now.

Charlie and I…  (no change there).  Neither one of us is strong enough to get by alone, yet, and that could be a big part of it – we still care, and we do take care of each other, and the companionship keeps that ache of being completely alone at bay, but how long can this play out?  Or, does he want to revconcile, and that’s why we never talk about the split, and we’ve stayed so close?  And, if he does…  what the hell do I want?  What’s right for me?  I have done the wrong thing plenty of times before, feeling perfectly righteous at the time.  He told me we were over in early March (moving no farther apart since then, but also closing none of the distance) – he has never taken that back.  But, we’re both still here.  Moving in neither direction…

But, I have my own shit to deal with, most days.  Plenty of days go by where I don’t stress about what’s gonna happen, because nothing good will ever come of anything ,for me, if I cant stay off smack.  So, I keep fighting the good fight.  I’ll put on my bravest face, and ball my fists, and take on whatever today throws at me.  And, hopefully I will get through it without fucking up big in some way (closer to the edge latley than I ‘ve been in a while), and that maybe, just maybe, I’ll even get something constructive sone.  I just try to take it as it comes, and stay constructive if i can, and whatever obstacles I hit, I just do my best to fight, rather than be defeated (whatever that winds up meaning that day).  As long as I put up my best, and as long as I plan on fighting another one tomorrow, I think I can keep dragging myself through this.

 

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