Modest Mouse, caffeine, and cigarettes – these are the fumes my engine is running on, right now.  I warn you now, this one’s gonna be long, whiny, and cathartic.  (I will "boo" with you, if you want – I annoy myself as much as anyone.)

On a happy note, I made waffles this a.m. – the first time I have cooked in a while.  My kitchen and I were both in a funk.  But, this was a delicious start to get off to – we both loved eating them.  I put strawberry preserves and whipped cream on them – amazing!

"Everything that keeps me together is falling apart,
I’ve got this thing that I consider my only art –

Of f@cking people over

My boss just quit the job – says he’s goin’ out to find blind spots, and he’ll do it"

Renewed my lease…  not sure what that means, on a personal level.  We both signed it, and turned it in.  So, we both have a right, and responsibility to this place for the next year.  Under the circumstances, it seems like this should be a big deal, but it just makes me wonder more about everything.  We didn’t talk about it, at all.  We just opted to sign it.  It was like, well, if we’re not moving, we better do this, so we don’t wind up getting charged double rent, and having to leave (that’s what happens if you stick around without renewing – your rent doubles – so obviously, no one would stay at that point).  I have always liked this space, and it would suck to leave just when I am starting to get it half ass in order – by the end of the month, I really think it will be coming together, and starting to look like the apartment I always wanted it to be.  It is a good space, with great natural light (lots of windows).  I want to hang fabric on the living room walls and put up my photography.  I already have some artwork that was done by friends on display – I always prefer original art, especially when it’s a gift from an artist I know.  I have a couple of painting that were inspired by a bad trip my friend J had.  He called me at 1:30 am some years back, and needed to be talked throught this trip.  I talked him through it, and he gave me the paintings as a thank you.

"The 3rd Planet is sure that they’re being watched by an eye in the sky that can’t be stopped
When you get to the promise land your gonna shake the eye’s hand
Your heart felt good it was drippin’ pitch and made of wood
And your hands and knees felt cold and wet on the grass to me"

I was still a kid, in a lot of ways, when I fell in love with Charlie.  I knew he was no good for me – I didn’t care.  I knew there was a chance that I could follow him down, and never get back up.  Again, I didn’t care.  I loved him.  My world was ugly and painful, and I LOVED HIM.  It was the only bright and beautiful thing in my reality.  I had just moved out of an apartment to get away from an abusive partner who had such a hold on me psychologically that I felt guilty for leaving, even though he had put his hands on me in a violent way (something I never would’ve tolerated before this guy did his little tap dance on my already frail self esteem).  And, since I was leaving this abusive partner, I needed money, but my mom had just stolen 1200.00 by forging my signature – nearly all I had, at the time.  I had 500.00 in the bank, when I walked out on Jonathan and his family’s money.  My family thought I was crazy.  Leaving a guy who was going to inherit his money for a guy who had a heroin habit.  (And, they didn’t know he was using again.)  But, I didn’t care about anything, anymore.  When I wanted to use with him, it scared Charlie, and he seemed to want out of what he was doing, so I told him I was going to do it any time he did.  I told him I didn’t want to sit and stare at him nodding off and getting out of his pain whlie I was stuck in mine.  If we were gonna be together, we needed to be in the same place, at the same time, I said.  He asked me not to hold him to it, but it was that or the door.  He coudn’t handle giving me up, but he couldn’t quit either.  He actually tried.  And, when I saw him twisting around in pain, I didn’t even blame him for breaking.  He said he would try again.  He didn’t want me to get strung.  I didn’t care.  I would have preferred that he put it down, but I was also willing to follow him, and take that fall.  Because I didn’t care what happened to me, anymore.  Charlie was the only thing in my sad, messed up life that made me happy.  He was good to me.  And, it was seductive as hell, making all that pain go away, when I was in such a terrible place.  I didn’t know it then, but compulsive drug use is also a symptom of my disorder, so go figure.  I followed him because I didn’t care what happned to me.  He let me follow because he didn’t know how to let go.  Now, seven years later, I don’t know what’s going on.  Recently, I have construed certaim behavior on his part to mean that he might want to reconcile, or that he’s at least considering it. 

The signing of the lease is part of it, but honestly, not that big a deal, in the scheme of things, because I could see him thinking that one of us could still wind up agreeing to carry the place when the other left, even if both names are on the lease.  He’s just been warmer, and nicer – and he seems to be making a point of it.  There was a flash of very hateful behavior, early last week, and then…  he’s friendly.  It really threw me at first, how drastically and quickly he shifted gears.  I have my theories, but I can’t know for certain.  Because, as much as we talk, and rock out together, we never talk about us, or the future that we may or may not have together.  I have been patient about this, but eventually, something will have to give.  When I was convinced he’d never want me again, I didn’t have to think about what I wanted – I had lost him.  He was no longer an option.  I had hurt him too badly, and that was that.  But, if after all this distance, and uncertainty, he’s actually decided that he might want this…  that means what I want comes back into play.  And, I want… 

to be happy. 

The whole thing’s been such a clusterf@ck – I had to start numbing myself to it, just to function, and focus.  I had to focus on cleaning up, and I still have to focus on staying off smack.  Since I don’t really know for sure if anything’s changed, it makes no sense to hash out my feelings – I could just be slamming my fingers in the car door for no good reason.

And, I don’t know for sure what his behavior means.  It’s not like he’s started throwing around I-love-you’s, and he hasn’t tried to put his hands, lips, or anything else on me since it all hit the fan.  As always, I have my theories, and little else.  I just need to keep focusing on me, and see how things unfold.  I will react to it when I am certain what it means, or when a reaction is required by the situation at hand.

Such a delicate balance…

So many things you just can’t say to the people you’re close to…

(or maybe, there aren’t that many things that you can’t say, but it still feels like too much, because it’s in your nature to share your thoughts and fears with the people you love…)

"The universe is shaped exactly like the earth if you go straight long enough you’ll end up where you were"  (Modest Mouse, "Third Planet")