The following, is a letter I wrote to my ex boyfriend of on and off 5 years, I stayed by his side for over a week, and took care of him durin his attempt to quit Heroin, the following was written on his first night of withdrawal. Unfortunately, after a week he told me to leave him alone and to leave his life again because he felt suffocate and smothered..and not ready for a relationship. He claims to have stopped using heroin, says he has not relapsed but continues to do other drugs on the everyday regular such asXanax, Cocaine and Mdma. I am very sad and alone.. Here is the letter I wrote him, I thought I'd share it..
Im layin here next to you while your nose drips..and your eyes leak, i can tell by the way you toss and twitch that your body aches..the pain begins. The movie is no longer playing, screen is black and I wanna stand up and go for a cigarette but I'm still laying in the same position. I don't want to move, your heads on my lap and I run my fingers through your hair, rubbing your head as you fall asleep.. tears run down my cheeks. I wish I could take all your pain away. I have cried many tears in the past over you, from fights to break ups .. To finding out about other girls . It was painful to lose you , I had never suffered the way I did for you..nor will I probably ever suffer for someone else that way. You were the love of my life, I had never loved someone that way before. Now that time has passed, I am no longer angry.. I have learned to forgive you .. To let go of the damage because it only hurts me to hold grudges. I'm sorry for ever hurting you .. Even though you made mistakes who was I to hurt you back… You were just a boy, we are young .. We made mistakes. I left you in the dark and You suffered..and somewhere in between living alone and me leaving you..you made the worst decision of your life. I struggled without you and I guess trying to cut my wrists and wanting to take my life was how I dealt with things.. To the point that when I cut my wrist with the razor blade I knew I was losing my mind and that I needed to find help. I emailed my college councellors and psychiatrist at 3 AM that night begging for help, I was losing control of my life. I had an appointment the next day, where I spoke to a counsellor and just cried my eyes out. I didn't want to live and I couldn't understand why I felt this way. It was a break up but why did I feel like I couldn't live without you. I then saw the psychiatrist, who told me I had mild depression and anxiety disorder, and she started me off on Zoloft. In 4 days of taking Zoloft I felt.. Numb and emotionless to the pain of being without you, and for a whole year I took Zoloft everyday. It didn't really help with t anxiety, I still got anxious but I was no longer thinking of taking my life and I cried much less and I guess it just made me feel less. I'm finally off Zoloft, 4 months now and I feel more like myself… I cry and shit but thats just who I am. Im a sensitive girl lol, I shouldn't need an anti depressant drug to repress my emotions.. Its normal to feel, its normal to cry and freak out. Its normal. When I saw your youtube account history about a month ago, I didn't know what to think of it..I was hoping it wasn't you searching up that stuff but deep down I knew it was you. I cried before e-mailing you, but I am so glad I reached out. Perfect timing, I am back in your life .. Although not as your girlfriend I am here to help you get through this.. This darkness you are going through.. I will be here every step of the way till you reach the light. The pain is only temporary, you are stronger than you will ever know..anything you put your mind to is possible. It may feel like you can't get better but you CAN and you WILL .. You just need that push and Im pushing you. How could I not push you.. You look unhealthy, and unwell.. You look thin and you have dark circles around your eyes, your teeth are stained and you look untaken care of. All of these things.. Just are not you. You are so much smarter and stronger , I know you can get through this! I believe in your self will and power, I believe in your strength even if you don't believe right now. Say it to yourself, say that you believe even if you don't . Say you can recover , say you can get clean .. Say it over and over in the mirror till you believe it, because its true. Every day you push, babe your days will get brighter! Like flame, like a fire.. Like light in the shadow.. You got this, you are capable! This is day one, and you only have 2 more days to go. Only three days of having the flu, it will get better. Like a cold, your body will fight it. Like a broken heart.. You will heal.
I'm going to try to sleep now, I needed to vent and write to you,
you just woke up.. I think you thought I left but I was just sitting outside smoking. I'm
Your ex girlfriend, but best friend, I wont let you down, so don't let me down ______!
You can do this, we can do this!
Like a team ! Believe 🙂