I want to thanks everyone who take the time to read what I write sometimes. I apreciate the good and encouraging comments and even try to give them a place in my mind and life. I was this close of ending it all and I came here to let some things out. In chat I can not find the strenght to talk or get more closer to other people onhere. So I’m sorry if I haven’t chatted much with anyone onhere. It’s hard for me even online it is easier to write stuff in comments or emails.
I know my life could be worse and that in some things I might consider myslf to be lucky. I know they are people being killed, beheaded, rape, dying of hunger etc. So dont get me wrong im absolutely thankfull for the chances I have gotten and I really wish to get more chances too since I am still not happy. It’s not that I dont apreciate what I have, I just dont know who I am where I need to go or how to used those chances the right way. It feels like I am lost and I do try. It’s not like I just sit here all day, sometimes when I have really down days like this week I just stay in and think stupid stuff. It’s like going into my mind, my mind creates a whole different world. Then my body is here but my mind is not. It’s so very difficult to connect with other people, it feels like my body is here, my eyes are here, I can see everyone but I am so far away. Not even if I scream I dont think they could hear me.
Lots of confusion too, I dont understand myself, people, the universe etc. I’m trying to find a peacefull place and accept things like they are but I feel like I need to understand how things are before I accept it and be at peace with it. I spend time studying biology, chemics, astrology, religions, people, behaviors etc. I will try to understand myself and things better and give these sad feelings a place. For now I’m not able to continue with school until next year ,which is soon, but in the mean time I am looking for a job to keep my mind out of things. I also have to find a study that fits me. But how can I find something that fits me if I dont know who I am? I’m going to try again. When I started with my goals I said I will try not to give up and so far so many times I havee given up things and even try to end things. But I’m still here trying so I guess I never really give up on life.
I told my school coundselour that one of my choices would be social work. But she said when soebody has depression it is very difficult to do that kind of work. I dont know what to think about that. I dont know what to decide, because I ´mafraid of making wrong decisions. I always make the wrong ones. I feel stupid that I failed and gav up on the other studies, but I just dont know what is fo me and I let anxiety control me sometimes. I dont want people to think that I am a quiter or somebody who is not worthed. But I do think sometimes that I´m worthless so I need to start with myself. Uh so many things I need to change I dont know where to start. I´m lost in a land far away with no connections.
Positive things: Today I went out. It’s snowing and I love snow. I went to buy somethings to cook for me and my sister and went with my camera to take some nature pics. I love taking nature pics and I am making an album. I already have like 60 picuters. But it won’t let me put them onhere. I did went to Germany last weekend. It was horrible. It was filled with people and you could NOT even walk, at one point everyone stood still bcause nobody could walk, so much filled it was. I kept having panic attacks, I didnt slept well the night before because of them and even though I am not religious I kept praying to please help me to not go crazy and hurt nobody..lol But I did go and even if bfore I didnt realise it because of the depressive and suicidal stadium I was in, I am proud I did my best even after not sleeping and the anxiety.
Sometimes we are so depressive that everything becomes negative even when they are not. It’s a horrible desease. But once again thanks to everyone who has read my blogs, for sharing their time and comment and try to help. Hugs.
I wish next year will be better for EVERYONE. I wish this unhappyness, frustration and anxiety we feel soon get much less or even be gone soon so we can finally get to live our lifes without this hurt.
P.S I’m so sorry for my bad spelling and writting. I´m trying to get better since I´m writting a book too. English is not my first language. So any suggestions are very welcome, hopefully I will get better soon.