Sooooo sleepy….

I upped my trazodone without telling my doctor by 25 mg. I was on 50 to help me sleep, and I might as well have just not been taking it. I layed awake for hours. So far, so good, though I just started yesterday. Hopefully my doctor won't freak out the next time I see him.

I think the cocktail of medicine….this specific combination….is finally starting to pay off. I'm slowly beginning to feel like myself again. I can LAUGH! And not FAKE it!!! I don't cry every 30 seconds…and if I DO cry, I can stop it; it's not uncontrollable!!! I can honestly say that going to see this psychiatrist was probably the smartest thing I've ever done.

Granted, I know that at some point, it will recur – that's what he said I have: Major/Severe Depression without psychosis, but recurring. At least I have the solace that when it does choose to resurrect itself, I have a very capable doctor to handle it.

I can only thank God that the doctor got me in as quickly as possible and was new to the practice, so he didn't have a massive lineup of patients.

The therapist is going well also. I'm finally getting to clear up some things surrounding the death of my mother 6 years ago. I started counseling for that when it happened, but then my "father" (the biggest douchebag EVER), told me he refused to pay for anything that would send me into the nuthouse. So, that stopped, and I think that's a BIG reason why I've struggled so long with letting her truly go. So…we're working on that. And we're going to START working on the shit relationship I've got with my "father" and his evil bitch wfe. I need closure on that – or at least some methods to let go.

Alright, time for bed….my cocktail is wearing me out.

Sweet dreams, all. <3