since i lost my mind i find it easier to get around day to day in this bullshit place. i gotta fake plastic smile plastered on my face. if you only knew what i really thought of you, then you wouldn’t smile back and that's ok. cause the drugs are taking hold of me, their laughing behind my eyes. if you had seen all the things that i have seen i think you would hear that laughter too and tell yourself all those bullshit lies that we swim through day to day. I am just to trying to make an easier way.hell maybe it comes from a needle or it comes from a gun. or it comes from the pill that you put on your tongue. and i can't stand it  i can't take. all the lies that i see buried in your face, cause these drugs  are taking me over. I hear their laughing behind my eyes. I look around no one is there. I am fighting alone. So I take another pill, why not ? I hang upside on my bed looking around. It seems that this is the only natural position for me any more. Upside down staring at the world from and skewed angle.

Everything came into focus the other night as I buried my face into my priest and friends chest sobbing. Begging him not to leave me to not let go. My body shook with pain and grief as he pulled me so close I could feel his chest moving up and down as he breathed. He knew I could so he slowed his breathing down to encourage me to as well. Then leaning down to my ear and whispering “ no I would never do that”. “I won’t let go, your safe and I have you, now relax and just go limp. It will be all right, I have you”. And so I did and I let the sobs roll throughout out my body  all the pain and anger and confusion I let pour out of me. Then the pain was back searing through out my head I reeled graping on to his arm seconds before I lost concessions.

 I came to as he was giving me more pills and more pills. I took them all like they were the dinner that I had been searching for I took hit after hit why not? I wanted oblivion to come back to me again. Everything flipped and I was upside down again the moment of clarity was lost. After all when you have seen everything that i have seen, i think you will hear the laughter too, and then  you’ll tell your self all those bullshit lies to.

1 Comment
  1. sweetsteph 14 years ago

    wow bam very weird but interesting,i hope you are dealing with your life better than before your writing is steph

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