So I started summer classes today at the University of Kansas. My definition of college has changed over the past 24 hours. It used to be a place to learn have fun, and meet lots of new people. At this point it is the best place in the world for my HOCD to spike.
This is going to be totally different for me. Before, whenever I had thoughts of being gay, I knew i could retreat to the solitude of my room. Now, I'm constantly surrounded by people my age. Attractive people, not so attractive people, gay people, homophobic people, you name it. All I could do today was sit and monitor my mental and physical reactions to attractive guys and girls.
I'm also a little concerned about partying in college. I've done my fair share of drinking in high school, and planned to do it in college. Now I'm afraid of what I might do or say when I get buzzed. I guess this is a good thing and will keep me out of trouble, but it will ruin it a bit.
So here's what made this day particularly rough. Our floor's RA had us play an ice breaker game called "sex lies and candy" (i think that's what it's called). Basically everyone writes down a sexual question ie. What's your favorite position? So they would pull these questions from a hat read them out and if you answered the question you got chocolate. So basically, I'm sitting there talking about sex with complete strangers and my OCD is out of control. Nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. On top of this, there's attractive guys and girls all around me, talking about how they love sex ect. I really hope I can get this under control soon. I guess deep down I know I'm not gay, but I just can't stop thinking that I might be, and it just distorts my mind. I'm sure the prozac will kick in soon though. Tomorrow will be better.