I feel as though I've totally cracked up, again.  It's ridiculous.  I am at war with myself.  It's like there are two sides of my personality, or will, or whatever, and they are constantly arguing in my head.  Sometimes I think it's a good thing that I am mentally barking back at the harsher side of myself, and other times I feel like it makes me completely insane.  I know how crazy this sounds.  I am not talking about Multiple Personality Disorder or anything that fantastic or rare.  I am bipolar.  I know that.  This is…  this is some weird manifestation of it that I have never been conscious of before.  

In the last year, since getting the right diagnosis and meds that help (even if they don't totally get the job done), I've been able to identify symptoms in myself.  Sometimes, I can control them.  I can fight impulses.  I haven't touched heroin in just over a year now, and I take my meds.  I still do some nutty shit, sometimes – I doubt I'll ever be wholly well, but I had gotten a lot better.  I feel like there's this manic bitch locked up inside me trying to argue her way out.  Like someone tapping me on the shoulder, and saying, "Don't worry.  I've got this covered.  Just let me handle everything."  I don't know what it all means, and I realize how crazy I sound.  I am so weak, and so broken is so many places…  maybe it's just a part of me that isn't so beaten down.  Maybe, it's just the strength that I've felt draining out of me for months resurfacing.  Maybe, I'm just afraid of my own fucking shadow.

I know I have been skating on the edge lately.  Wanting to get my hands on smack – getting that imagery in my head.  I know it would amount to torching anything I've accomplished in the past year, but is that really so much?  My life looks much more the same than it should.  

There's something angry going on inside me.  Something that seems a lot stronger than I am, right now, and the idea of just yielding to whatever it is seems very seductive right about now.  But, it scares me.  I have lost myself before, and done things I hated – things that hurt the people I love, and that make me feel sick anytime I look back.  What if the stronger version of me is just the manic me?  I was never a productive manic, but even if I were suddenly on top of everything because I got all manic, what the hell would I wind up doing to my life?  Impulses and fantasies have a way of bleeding together with my reality when I am really lost.  Between the bipolar (which was misdiagnosed as depression at the time) and the drugs, I was completely insane and awful back when.

I have tried to make it right.  I have tried to be someone that my husband could want to be with, and someone who's behavior makes sense.  I've tried to be a good person.  I've fought my symptoms, and I have done my best.  I have tried to earn some sort of forgiveness.  But, I don't know if my husband will ever love me the way he once did.  Sometimes, I think he is waiting for me to get frustrated and leave.  I know it's hard to trust someone who's been a chronic fuck up, and I really don't ask much of him. 

I have shouldered the weight, and played the bad guy, for a year now, because I hurt him so badly.  But, it's not like I built this mess all by my lonesome with my own two nutty little hands.  For one thing, he saw how fucking nuts I was, and said nothing.  The best I can figure is that he didn't want to have that fight.  He hates conflict.  So, he kept getting high with me, I didn't get help, and I got nuttier and nuttier.  I did some really bad things, and I know that, but he waited until shit really blew up in HIS face to confront it.  Even then, he didn't say much.  It had just turned really obvious in the aftermath of so much ugliness hitting the fan.

In general, the mood stabilizers make it much easier not to hit the hard stuff.  But, right now…  I am at the max dose of Lamictal, and clearly not okay.  The next step would be cocktailing the Lamictal with Depakote or a neuroleptic like Abilify.  I have taken a wait-and-see approach thus far because there are other medical factors (not to mention personal turmoil) that could temporarily be effecting the efficacy of the medication.  I am also terrified of the potential side effects of putting more meds into the mix. 

I really hate the person I was.  It makes me miserable just thinking about it. 

I hate the sick behavior and thoughts when they crop up.  I hate all of it.  But, I have no idea what I am supposed to do with myself, at this point. 

I am not moving.  Maybe, whatever this is that's going on in my head won't be a bad thing.  I am really tired.  Maybe it isn't the mania.  I don't know what it is.  I just know I am tired.