so i was thinking. and i’m sure ive mentioned this before but the source of my craziness is my roommate. that’s what started the whole thing. i’m living with someone who makes me feel like shit every single day. and i respect her too much to ignore what she thinks about me. she knows she’s smarter than me and she knows she has more potential than me. i’m not saying that i don’t have potential, i know i do. but she has tons of experience in the "real world", she knows how things work, she knows how to interact with people. she knows how to be fake enough to make everyone love her and believe she’s an awesome person. i see right through her though. i see the way she looks at me, i hear the shit she says about me, i know exactly what she’s thinking. she tells me how stupid all of her other really good friends are. i know she feels the same way about me.

i always thought we were too close to be fake to eachother, to talk shit about each other. well apparently i don’t understand people. cuz now i’m even being fake, talking shit. she makes me want to kill myself. this situation was tolerable at first but it definitely bothered me, more than i ever could have imagined apparently. it just kept building up inside of me, it led me to my first breakdown. meds helped me back up, but here i am again-crazy, suicidal, breaking down. i shouldn’t believe everythign she thinks about me, but when you see a person every day that you’ve liked for so long, it’s hard not to care or believe what they think. especially when all of my friends are probably better friends with her than me. she has control over them, she can tell them what ever she wants about me and they’ll believe her. including the guy i’m with. if only they knew how fake she is..

i can’t get away though. god i can’t wait to just live by myself, i’ll finally have  some fucking peace. how did one person do this to me??