Basically, I'm a fucking mess. So there's that.I just want to be the perfect, cookie cutter version of myself that everyone likes: straight, thin, happy, is good at things, is a supportive partner, is a good daughter, has some semblance of what they are doing.I also don't want to feel anything. I don't want to feel sad. I don't know how to feel sad without feeling like dying or hurting myself. So I'd rather feel nothing. I wish I felt nothing. I literally want to drink myself into nothingness every day.The one thing I want and love I've completely fucked up. Because I'm a jackass that doesn't know what I want. I'm hurt and confused, I don't understand myself, my sexuality, what I want from life. I just completed a partial hospitalization/IOP program and left feeling like I knew what I was doing, and now I'm back at square one again. I gained all these skills on dealing with my emotions and taking care of myself and now I don't want to do any of that.My birthday is coming up and I don't care. What the hell am I celebrating. The one person I want there will not be, and it's my own fault. It's like when things are going good I can't let them, I have to fuck it up somehow, I have to sabotage it. I thought I needed to be alone to figure things out for myself. But I don't know if that's necessarily true. And it's like, the one time I try to do something for myself, I hurt someone. Someone I really love and care about. Being bisexual and in a “hetero” relationship is really fucking difficult. And it's not just any relationship, it's a relationship with someone who I can see myself marrying. Someone who I love and admire and have a really strong connection with. I'm torn between feeling like I need to be alone (I'm 23 and I've only been in serious relationships, one of which was 8 years) to figure out my sexuality and self-identity, but I'm so in love with this man and don't want to lose him. I also don't even want to date other people….or see anyone else. I've pretty much decided that he is the one for me. I just don't want to be regretful of my life later on. It's quite a dilemma and makes me just want to give up on everything pretty much.There was more I wanted to write but its gone now. I'm going to try and get myself to do something besides crying and lying in my bed.