Basically, I'm a fucking mess. So there's that.I just want to be the perfect, cookie cutter version of myself that everyone likes: straight, thin, happy, is good at things, is a supportive partner, is a good daughter, has some semblance of what they are doing.I also don't want to feel anything. I don't want to feel sad. I don't know how to feel sad without feeling like dying or hurting myself. So I'd rather feel nothing. I wish I felt nothing. I literally want to drink myself into nothingness every day.The one thing I want and love I've completely fucked up. Because I'm a jackass that doesn't know what I want. I'm hurt and confused, I don't understand myself, my sexuality, what I want from life. I just completed a partial hospitalization/IOP program and left feeling like I knew what I was doing, and now I'm back at square one again. I gained all these skills on dealing with my emotions and taking care of myself and now I don't want to do any of that.My birthday is coming up and I don't care. What the hell am I celebrating. The one person I want there will not be, and it's my own fault. It's like when things are going good I can't let them, I have to fuck it up somehow, I have to sabotage it. I thought I needed to be alone to figure things out for myself. But I don't know if that's necessarily true. And it's like, the one time I try to do something for myself, I hurt someone. Someone I really love and care about. Being bisexual and in a “hetero” relationship is really fucking difficult. And it's not just any relationship, it's a relationship with someone who I can see myself marrying. Someone who I love and admire and have a really strong connection with. I'm torn between feeling like I need to be alone (I'm 23 and I've only been in serious relationships, one of which was 8 years) to figure out my sexuality and self-identity, but I'm so in love with this man and don't want to lose him. I also don't even want to date other people….or see anyone else. I've pretty much decided that he is the one for me. I just don't want to be regretful of my life later on. It's quite a dilemma and makes me just want to give up on everything pretty much.There was more I wanted to write but its gone now. I'm going to try and get myself to do something besides crying and lying in my bed.

1 Comment
  1. onelyric 6 years ago

    Relationships can affect our feelings of self doubt and esteem when we aren't secure in ourselves and the ones in our lives. Being bisexual I am sure (which I can't give advice on) is another part of dealing with a life that may seem different then others and to others. But never the less love is love and one can't change the heart. No one is perfect no matter how hard you try. I like many have to learn to be secure in myself and my life, it never seems to go the way I would like it to. I too would like to be so many things in my life but I'm not that either. All I can do is my best to make it through each day knowing that someway somehow I can do it and still have my sanity.

    Have faith in yourself and what is best for you, for others come and go, some stay and help us on our path to being more complete people. Give yourself space, have faith in right choices and try not to dwell on the mistakes we all make. No one is perfect!!!!!

    I pray that your life quiets down and you can recapture what you want most in it. Sometimes we think to much when all we have to do is just be!!!!

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