I havn't been on in quite some time- alot has happened during the past several months. My mother is living with another man and his children and my brothers and I are stuck here. She comes to visit a few times a week to cook and clean, seeing as how my niether of my brothers or even my father do. That alone is making survival difficult enough. Wanting to survive and keep going, trying to think about suicide all the time is getting much more difficult.
On top of all that, my boyfriend of almost 2 years has finally found a job and an internship, great? No, not great. He now is in environments where he works with other women and girls, who I'm sure flirt their asses off with him and I'm not there to see or monitor or STOP what happens. Whats worse, is that with his new job, they like to go "out to lunch" with eachother all the time which REALLY FREAKS ME OUT. He works with this 3D animation company, so there's a lot of guys, but there are ofcourse girls there too. Today, he told me that he went out to lunch with his co'workers and my heart stopped-this is exactly what I was afraid of before he got this job- business lunches, bar outings, and inter office relationships. Now it is happening and I can barley function and I even feel ALOT of ANIMOSITY towards him, sometimes I go as far as feeling like I HATE HIM, because I feel like I KNOW what is going on when I'm not around and I feel like he's not caring about me by going out on these lunch outings and talking to OTHER GIRLS when he KNOWS how much it hurts me. I don't tell him all of this, I only tell him that I worry about something happening at work with other girls and that its my OCD and I can't help it, but I'm trying to workthrough this because I know that it is a problem of mine, I know that it is impossible for him to NEVER talk to ANY girls EVER, and I'm TRYING TO accept that.
What worries me is that now when there's ACTUALLY a REASON to be mad or upset with him about issues like this, he won't take me seriously because he'll just say to himself, "O she's just crazy, I'm nnot doing anything wrong," even if he really IS DOING SOMETHING wrong.
Right now, he's doing his online intership where he talks to other people and right now, he KEEPS TALKING TO THIS GIRL AND LAUGHING WITH HER and I HEAR HER VOICE THROUGH THE DAMNED MICROPHONE AND ITS MAKING ME WANT TO RIP HERS AND HIS THROATS OUT. I feel like maybe right now he really IS disrespecting me by talking to much with this slut right now and LAUGHING at EVERYTHING SHE SAYS, while I'm RIGHT HERE and he knows how I am and that I just had a panic attack about THIS ISSUE, which is him talking to OTHER GIRLS…he's on a FULL ON CONVERSATION WITH HER RIGHT NOW, LAUGHS, GIGGLES, AND ALL, and I WANT TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM SO BADLY BECAUSE I HATE HIM FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE THIS RIGHT NOW. I feel like he should TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH even if his conversation with this girl is INNOCENT, I JUST HAD A BAD PANIC ATTACK ! ….I almost just wnat to break up with him RIGHT NOW, because I feel like I might as well. I can't tell him how I feel because he'll think I'm a pyscho for NOW getting upset because of THIS, but I FEEL like I actually MAY have a right to be angry at him for THIS, or am I just crazy? I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE, I don't want to have to keep getting my heart broken EBERYTIME he gets a new job and meets and talks with other women…how the hell would he stay faithful to me when he's always meeting and greeting with "fresh meat?" I don't see how