This has been one of the worse days I have ever had regarding OCD. I have washed my hands so many times my knuckles hurt, my hands are raw the air smells of alcohol. It was so bad I ran out of paper towels and alcohol and had to run to the store through 3 inches of snow just to get more. It was so bad that I not only had to wash, but I had to wash and wash, I would get stuck at the sink unable to stop washing until my back hurt, my hands would start hurting and I finally forced my self to stop, only to touch the edge of the sink or the faucet and have  to start over again. I washed my hands so many times today that the water heater is still trying to catch up. I sprayed so many thing with alcohol that I am dizzy from the fumes.  I have spread contamination on so many things today I don’t even know how to deal with it all….well the shots of tequila are starting to help. Damn…..I have not been this bad in quite a while.  I thought I was doing better then I started to think about all the things I am unable to touch and all the things I feel I will never be able to touch because there is nothing that will clean them to my satisfaction. Then I realize I was not getting any better I was just getting better at avoiding the things that would trigger an attack, and I then realized just how much I was excepting, a guess the best way to say it, as a normal part of my life. I started to think about how I can not even sit down anywhere in my house with out feeling contaminated, For example I had to spay the chair I am sitting it right now with alcohol and then cover it with a towel before I could feel comfortable to sit in it.  My car seat has been spayed with alcohol and covered with two towels. I can not let anyone sit in the passenger seat or the back seat without them spreading the contamination.  There was so much I started a list.

I can only use half of my closet, the other half I can not hang anything on it.

The entire top shelf in my closet.

My TV remote control.

My night stand, nothing can touch it.

The side of my bed next to the night stand.

I touch everything in the bathroom with toilet paper, The door knob, the toilet seat, the flusher, the sink, I even have to take a few layers off the toilet paper it self before I can use it.

I have to alcohol the toilet seat in my own home every time before I can sit on it.

I have too make sure my pants don’t touch the ground and have to pull them way up before I get into my car so they don’t drag on the floor boards.

I have so many pairs of gloves that I can not use, I just keep throwing them away. I have a nice pair of leather ones I got on sale that are normally very expensive, but I never use them cause I don’t want to take a chance that they will get contaminated. Even when I really need them and my hands are freezing while I am clearing the snow from my car.

I have all kinds my bills (money) laying around because I contaminated them, I usually don’t have a problem touching money cause I don’t know if it is contaminated, but sometimes I am the one who contaminates it and it gets placed with rubber gloves in a plastic bag an there it sit. I have learned not to look at my bills because I can almost always find a stain on it that freaks me out,  so I just don’t look at them very close anymore.

I can not even put on my shoes with out washing 3 or 4 times.

The top half of my dresser is big time contaminated.

I have a huge bag of brand new clothes I can not touch.

The list goes on, I just really found it kinda of funny that with all this going on, and believe me there is a lot more I have not listed, That I actually thought I was doing better….I fooled myself by excepting all these things as just  a part of my life that I deal with everyday like it was normal. Well today I realized just how screwed up I really am.  I should have known a few weeks back when I  bought some soda at the store and after I handled it and got it home I thought there was blood on the bottom of one of the cans. If it was blood then I had a big problem because that would mean everything I bought and everything I touched before I noticed it was now contaminated and I would have to throw out all the food I bought and go on a major cleaning spree, If it could even be cleaned. So I had to know if it was really blood, so I took a safety pin and jammed it in my finger to drip blood on the bottom of the can and let it dry so I could compare to two spots to determine if it was really blood. It was not thank god, but then I thought I just infected myself by jamming the pin in my finger…sometime you just can not win.

Any way I feel better now that I vented and have had several shots. I really just have to sometimes just let it out, and here I least people don’t think I am a total freak. Although I beginning to think I am….=]

2 Comments
  1. robby 11 years ago

    YOU ARE NOT A FREAK. PERIOD.  You have OCD, an anxiety disorder which as you know many, many, many people have.  Your form of OCD is also quite common.  I read your profile and it is obvious you have many responsibilities at home; however, you need to treat and push back against this OCD so that you can regain even more strength to help your mom etc.  You don’t mention if you are in therapy (CBT/ERP) or if you are using medication.  At the end of the day the specific form our ocd takes is not really important…it can be so different for each one of us.  What we have to realize is that this is an anxiety disorder and the anxiety needs to be treated, not the specific content which we exhibit because of the ocd.  Don’t you think it is so revealing that a person like me with ocd can touch anything I want and never feel contaminated but at times I can’t even drive down the street for fear I have caused an accident.  You on the other hand can probably drive down the street and feel fine. So, we all need to realize we have this anxiety disorder/brain chemical malfunctioning that needs to be addressed.  Look, I know it is easy to preach on a site like this and I find it as hard as you do to fight my symptoms.  However, if we all start to attack the source, the anxiety, we can begin to win this battle.  The content of our anxiety is meaningless….let’s stop letting the content manipulate us.  Best.  Rob

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  2. taz45_2007 11 years ago

    Dont drink alchol at all, to deal with ocd! Yes I know People dont want anything to do with shrinks or medications. But I myself suffer from the same

    ocd as you!  I used to wash my hands in pure bleach even the bleach got contaminated lol Thru yrs of therapy and juggling different meds have gotten

    a bit better. However I am the same as you with the contamination bit, just not as bad as yourself.. Ive started a another dosage of luvox and it  seems

    to help. If you decide take therapy, hopfully you will able to be more free of these thoughts, And know yourself thats its ocd and not all its real matter.

    Its hard dont feel too good but you need too cut down the anxity ethier by thinking out facing whats realistic and what just in your mind.

     

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