I've been through so much. Starting at 11 with losing my mother, a likely murder. Months later, my dad's girlfriend cut herself and I found her at it. Later, shemolested me. At 14, my father was arrested on murder charges; the former girlfriend had started telling stories of being with a man who had killed his wife to be with her. The trial was a lot of bullshit in my eyes: plenty of doubt, questionable testimony…I could go on at length. But I am a firm believer in my dad's innocence. The court, however, did not agree. He has been in prison for over 16 years now.

I moved in with family friends out of state to get away with it. My "aunt" turned out to be an alcoholic and emotionally abusive.

But somehow I got through all of that. I went to college, got a degree in music and teaching certification, and although there were bumps along the way, I got a job quickly.

The idea is that those things which don't kill us make us stronger. I believed that for a long time. But some things cause injuries that never heal right, and at some point each new challenge gets to be feeling like too much.

I taught for 9 years, but in the last 3 my health was not so good. I was diagnosed withCrohn's disease and soon after started getting bad migraines. This stuff takes a toll. It was a stressful job, I was feeling unsupported, and especially trying to manage it with my health conditions was too much. So I quit.

I'm unemployed now, and uninsured. My savings are running low, I've run out of all of my medications, and I've been denied for government-funded healthcare because I made too much money this year while working, apparently. Or maybe I did the applications wrong. I don't know.

I've been trying to get together applications to pharmaceutical companies for their need-based free or discounted meds. But I'm having my doubts on those. It's hard to stay on top of it, and I feel apprehensive about approaching my doctors, although I don't know why.

It seems like everything I try is a dead end, it just doesn't work out. I've applied for disability, but if I even get anything from that, it'll be way down the line.

I feel like I'm breaking. I've tried to stay positive; I did that this morning when I went to what might be the last visit I can afford with my therapist. I chalked up my dark thoughts the past two nights as being caused by an incoming and then active migraine. But this afternoon, free of that pain, getting more rejections, more complications…I was back to the same place. Some people can use "thinkology" on themselves. If it has any potential with me, I have to be in a much better mental state first.

I want to ask for help, both with just getting things done and with the fact that life hurts right now…but I don't feel like I can turn to anyone. My boyfriend, his mom, a few friends of mine, one or two relatives…I know they'd listen. They've said they're available to me. But I can't do it…I don't feel like it's fair to them. So I feel lonely and isolated, but I know I'm doing it to myself.

There are only two other times in my life that I feel like compare to this. And this might actually be the lowest. I don't want to believe that. But that's probably the reality of it.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm just a looming hardship for people.


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