I just don't get it.
I walk around and see people walking round campus. And I know that each of them is a complex person and inside them is the same divine spark that's inside me and inside every living thing. I walk under the trees, I see all the city animals foraging for food, I feel the sun and I love the world. I like humanity. I think we are basically good.
However, I have a very hard time forming bonds. Aquaintences? Sure I have some. Friends? People who buzz your apartment door? People who call your cell phone to hang out? People who want to do things after class? A group? No, not so much.
If only it were as easy as loving the world, loving life, loving God. If only I could feel that way about a person. If only I wouldn't panic when my phone actually does ring. How do people do it? Seriously! I don't understand. From afar, people seem like great things. But when I start talking to them, there seem to be a million warning lights that say, "this person couldn't possibly accept you" and "don't get pulled into this". I don't know why. Something must be deeply wrong with me.
Anyway, at this point it feels like everyone already has a group. I wonder why all these non-anxiety sufferers make it so hard! But of course they don't need to search, I do. What need do they have for one more person in their group? Besides, whenever I'm in a group I feel more alone than I do outside of it. So why bother? It feels like all I need is one very lonely new friend with no other options…insecurity is a stupid, stupid thing.
Ah, confusion! But enough of my whining. I'm sure the rising of the sun will reawaken my love for the world. And that love will eclipse any bad feelings I have tonight. 🙂
If anyone has advice for me I'd love to hear it. Or if you can relate, or if you want to tell me to suck it up and snap out of it, whatever floats your boat. I'm just looking for a little feedback I guess, a little help, if you have it.
Well, I can absolutely, completely relate to this, and have felt that way most of my life! You put is so clearly here. I don't know why it's so hard for some of us and so easy for others. Maybe we are just extreme introverts. Try taking it one person at a time – choose someone who seems quiet and easy to talk to and make friends with them. That way it's not so overwhelming. Congratulate yourself for your lovely outlook on the world, though, that is something many people are lacking.
I can related to this so much! I’ve been making some new friends lately and even went away for a weekend with them and met some more people. While I had fun and enjoyed my time, I couldn’t help but still carry around the weight I carry and still feel anxious. I felt like they were already a group and just had their lives together; and I was just the person on the outside with issues wondering if I’d be accepted. I also just noticed you wrote this in 2008 lol, but it is very relatable to people 12 years later.