I can sometimes be a little bipolarish or schizophrenic (it's in my genes, moreso from my mama than my daddy but don't worry I don't think I am nor have I been diagnosed as such) but I struggle in real life rather than being online where I can talk about anything and everything. When I'm offline I find that not only I constantly question who I am, but so do those that I love especially my husband.

I am stuck in a different mode, or am I? It's kind of difficult to explain but I think I'll give it a try. It's like I'm stuck in when I was battling all of my demons but didn't quite know how to fix them. I'm working on them now by reading self-help books which I can definitely relate to. Now, I'm a little wiser and I have more tools to fix my own problems but I can't do it all alone. My husband has and he wants to help me but I think I may need professional help, too, so I'll seek free counseling.

It's like I'm still battling what I've done as a little girl and as a teenager. I often find myself battling for my mother's love over my siblings when I'm around her, I find myself thinking that I still have the same problems that people have made fun of when I was in school, I'm afraid that others still talk badly behind my back, or want to find the bad in me like I'm not good enough to walk the face of the earth. Sometimes I feel like even my husband doesn't love me for who or all that I am but he does accept a part of me (just not all of me) and I wish with all my heart that he would. I mean, if you read more of my stories about my past sexual abuse, my rape (which happened before I met him), and when I cheated on my husband one too many times (earlier in our relationship), it seems like he's holding a deep resentment towards me. I've done everything in my power to change that and four years later, he keeps going around in circles like we haven't made any progress whatsoever even though we have.

I know I'm a different person in real life than I am online. Some people would say that's dangerous but I throw out the towel and say, "What the heck?!" In real life, I'm more quiet, more meek, and some people call me a mute or a retard because of how quiet I am or have been overtime. I know I'm not a retard but it's just that I prefer to stay to myself. I'd like friends, don't get me wrong, but I just don't know how to start and hold that conversation. I'm afraid I'll appear bored to the people who want to know me or I'm afraid I'll sabatoge myself by saying or doing the wrong thing to offend the person, and I just don't want to appear like an ass or a know-it-all.

I mean, I sign into online social networks and my online friends constantly tell me how beautiful, intelligent, smart, positive, and strong I am but to be honest, I don't know how to take it, and I really don't believe them. I've never been given compliments before, I've never had feedback, I've never seen myself as what others have seen me as but it'll take more time for me to realize that I am what people think I am. I know that I've been there for people throughout my life, I've given advice, and have often offered positive outlook but I could never find that friend or that person who could accept me for me. Sometimes I think I never will.

I don't know, I want to get out of my childhood and/or teenage but afterall, I'm still a young adult. I have learned a lot in my short lifetime and still have even more to learn. So, my husband thinks I'll know more by the time I'm twenty-five years old and I think he may be right.

1 Comment
  1. HananaH 14 years ago

    wow I can relate to alot of that!!

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