Do you know what it's like to be a single parent? I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night, and it's like the bottom drops out of my stomach and I start thinking about how screwed up my life is….my heart begins to race and I feel like puking.
I am all alone – the only adult in my house – I have crappy jobs, I don't make enough money to save anything, I have no husband, no boyfriend. I am often stressed out and not nice to my kids. I made the big leap of leaving my disaster of a husband but now I have a whole new set of problems. I am more alone than ever. I have no money. I have no career. My kids have no dad. I have no emotional support. I have terrible credit. I will never be able to buy a house, or even a car. How did this happen? How did I screw up so badly?
It was okay when I first left my ex because I didn't even try to get back into the real world – I cocooned myself, took care of my kids but didn't try to get a job or go back to school, didn't try to meet anyone. That way I felt safe and didn't have to worry about how backwards I was.
Now I have pushed myself back into the world – and it is a cold and hard place to be. Life is strange, painful and awkward. There will never be a time when I have no problems. It will always be one thing after another. I will handle it, and keep on trying my best, that's all I can do. Being out of denial is just a hard place to be right now.