I have a two year old boy that has the power to make me the happiest person in the world.
Unfortunately he also has the power to make me feel worthless.
My wife had a very difficult birth and when he arrived I was worried I might lose my wife.  This meant that initially I didn’t bond with him in the way that you would expect (I would expect) a father to bond with his son. I was to worried about losing my wife.
Within two days I realised how much he meant to me and my wife and to US as a unit. I fell in love him in a way that can’t be described. It’s very different to loving another adult human being. It sounds trite to say that only another parent can understand it but perhaps its true.
My wife has decided due to the painful and traumatic nature of the birth that he would be our one and only. Unfortunately this has meant that she is very protective of him. 
This was fine when he was a newborn and needed his mother 24/7 but I was cut out of a lot of things. At one stage my wife expressed a concern that I wasn’t bonding with him, even though the reason was her.
We are now two years down the road and my son has very little respect for me. When he cries its for his mommy, only once (I think) has he called for me. 
When I do get to tell him off for being naughty I get no support. He actually ignores me when I tell him off, or walks up to me, looks me in the eye and laughs (at age two!!!). 
This sort of cheeky behaviour may seem amusing, but I worry that if he has no respect for me now, what will it be like later. When I tell him off I am told I am unreasonable, he is only a baby after all, but my wife disciplines him regularly.
This slow erosion of my position is very soul destroying. But he is only following in his mother’s footsteps. 
I will ask "What would you like for dinner babes?" and she will ignore me and walk past me. 
When I say, "Excuse me babes, please don’t ignore me, I asked what would you like for dinner?"
I get snapped at "I’m tired, I wasn’t ignoring you."
Sex is something that happens with myself… sad, I know.
I don’t think we have been intimate more than three or four times in the last three years.
My depression started long time before the birth of my son. I think I have had it for years, maybe since I can remember finding out how different I was.
Until now my choice whether to end my life or not has depended purely on me.  Since we had our little man, he was one of the few things that made feel like I wanted to carry on. I wanted to undo all the mistakes my father made and be the father I always wanted, to him.
Lately however I feel like a spare wheel. I’m not a husband, not a proper father, I am unsuccessful at work.  A waste of space. Worst than that, I know that financially I’m worth more dead than alive.
I find it very difficult to find reasons to carry on. I have started to believe that they would be better off without me.
I hope that writing this proves cathartic and helpful in some way.
1 Comment
  1. shamus1234 14 years ago

    Thanks all,

    Situation has improved since last blog.

    Unfortunately I tried to commit suicide on boxing day.

    As you can guess by me still being here it didn”t work.

    We are working through our stuff and relate is something that is definitely on the cards but need to start some serious therapy on my own, did not realise how f***ed I am.

    Overdosed on sleeping pills, it was a fairly serious attempt, I checked toxicity levels on the internet and doubled that, then crushed the pills and drunk as a solution to make sure of more effective hit.

    Spent my last few momoent looking at pix of my little boy on my phone and that gave me second thoughts and a 999 call.

    Still not ok but seriously looking for help now.


    0 kudos

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