I think the idea of obtaining perfection is my worst downfall when it comes to OCD. Mistakes, even in my full life, are not allowed. So, it seems that no matter what, when I make a mistake or don't do something as I planned I feel overwhelming guilt. It creates a giant tangle of disappointing myself and seemingly disappointing others, contamination, and all of the other wonderfulness that follows along. It's something I have been trying to deal with but I can't handle it because I haven't a clue how to deal with something that is almost encoded into my mind. It's difficult that when I disappoint someone, or make a mistake, or do something wrong, or anything not completely possitive I freak out. I'm glad I have good support. But, still, as much as I love to be flawed, it's not within me to be able to accept flaws at the moment.

I also just have a hard time dealing with the feeling of instant sadness. Just happens all of the time. Instantly happy, instantly sad. I think maybe it's my fault. All of my happiness is fighting happiness. Meaning, I don't have many things in my life that I can just walk up to and be happy. I take comments and words and phrases wrong, I read into things too much, I wonder too much. Anything my mind does it does it too much, and it exacerbates lots of my feelings, mostly sadness and despair. I feel very melancholy right now. Kind of wondering is it worth doing certain things, do people like me, do people hate me? You know, the basic average things. I suppose I took a comment wrong about the way I dressed, because it kind of upset me a little. I don't know. I guess I suck at taking jokes most of the time. It's who I am. In an instant I go from happiness to shoot-me-in-the-face sadness. That's life for ya. Commence happiness.