its been so long since i’ve been here so long since i could work up the courage ? the strength to even come here and talk and be. I have sunk into a growing spiral of depression of that sympton where you are causght in the ciircle and cant get out. I feel more paranoid more mistrusting and more low. I have made somee progress cause i from time to time raise out of my stuphor to stop myself from falling further and then mere hours later find myself back again.

I have 2 weeks off from work. thelack of routine is a problem. Second is the problem that I injured my knee one day before i went on break. Meaning i was litereally isolated to my sofa for the first few days and now can make brief trips outside my home before needing to get back. Very breif. I have no car so i walk or cycle everywhere and this is just killing me cause my usual 10 minute walk turns into 30 and by the time i reach my target i am dreaming of the painkillers at home.

At home I get low i have no money so i cant afford to call people cant afford to get the bus even. Worse still it feels as though the world conspires to piss me off at every turn. I had to get a brace support for my knee after 5 days of trying i still cant get one that fits the one i have helps but makes things worse cause it rolls down and HURTS the area it is supposed to help. THE SHIT FUCKING COUNTRY  that i am in NO offense to the british but HOW ON EARTH can i not even ORDER and XXL brace for an injury? The MANUFACTURES make them but the PHARMACY SUPPLIERS dont buy them and refuse to get them what on earth do people DO?? make their own? I limped to 7 yes SEVEN phramacies and NONE of them had above a XL so my knee gets no shupport or shit support thanks world. I hobble into work to try to catch up the BLOODY DOOR is locked. later i find out oh.. someone.. must have locked it by "accident" cause people were in the building and it was open LATER. My knee is still KILLING me after all that effort for no FUking reward.

Ahh the final joy my doctor…. useful or useless? I went to him 3 weeks ago about migranes and WEAK JOINTS  especially my KNEES for advise. I got long  persciption list and was told to book another appointment to talk about my WEAK JOINTS!! cause HE was already runnning and HOUR late. Two weeks later MY KNEES FUCKED and i discover the MIGRANE MEDICATION was actually anti-depressives. well fuck me yup i’m depressed but fucker that is not what i went to you for didnt even talk about it. went about my knees which ened up FUCKED UP cause you cant fucking work on TIME.

i dunno should i stop taking the meds? It is making me feel lower i swear. makin me feel like who care if i wake up at 12 /1 pm ? makes me sleep more no matter what time i went to bed. i want ot get out of my overeating cycle DESPERATELY. though i hate the idea of "cutting stuff out" cause fuck goddamn we shoul be able ot eat whatever no have to "cut carbs" no bread no pasta what the fuck i hate this. i hate it and sometimes i hate me for failing but in the end i gotta love me cause i am me.

sorry tribe guess more rambling than usual but its been awhile too many feelings to express