I feel like I have a disease. I get tired of this entire routine of taking pills and constantly asking myself how I feel and why I feel that way. My therapist says I feel too much, that I'm an emotional person and it adds to my overall situation, that I get overwhelmed with my emotions where I physically cannot do anything but just think of my feelings and my life. I dwell way too much, others can just go on autopilot but I was not made with that button. I have so many other buttons. I just don't really know what to do anymore with all of this bullshit. I have a great opportunity to do research abroad and my first thought was not oh yay! but instead it was "will I have an episode?" You see there are periods of time, may range from minutes to days or even weeks and during this time I have no motivation to get up and start my day. I intentionally do not do my work, I refuse to do it because the truth is that its way too difficult for me. But I trudge through. I'm just waiting for my degree. As soon as I get my degree I will be able to put away all the bullshit and just go head first into either medicine or hopefully marine science. I have great aspirations, but I honestly can't see myself living after my graduation or even getting to graduation. I feel horrible because my family spent all this time and money on me, I was their child and I had to make them proud and I can't do that if I'm dead. I used to spend all of my time doing community service, not because I got in trouble (please back then that didn't even happen in a dream) but because I wanted to "be the change" and I wanted to help people. To me it wasn't about getting another club on my resume but it was about the action… I love doing things ust to do them. But no one lives like this anymore, maybe its not just my chemicals thats messing with me but maybe I'm nostalgic but is that possible since I never experienced it?? Not only that but my love is messing me up. Love is such a stupid mortal necessity, unlike everyone else I thrive on love and the connected emotions. It is my fuel, my drug if you will. But I can't get it anymore. I love him but he says not now, to wait for us. What am i supposed to do, wait 5 years for him to get his life straight? Do I move on? Or do I just give up… I am probably making this more complicated than it needs to be but its just exhausting. My mind never stops and I can't shut it up… SHUT UPPPPPPP!!!!!!

well this is a lot for one blog…


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