I think that perhaps I sounded a bit uninformed and a little bit closeminded in my blog. What I had written a year ago was for a few friends, who didn't know much about OCD. I was such a wreck- I hate taking pills- they make me really paranoid and I always think that I've accidently mixed them up and I'm taking something that will make me seriously ill, or even kill me. I was so worried about getting help- I was so scared.
I just wanted to clear it up and say that if I needed it, if I really needed it- I would not refuse medication. I have seen it do wonders for friends and people I have met over the years. I don't think that there is anything wrong with it at all. I am just so proud of myself for the huge steps that I have taken in the past year.
Most of the work I did was on my own anxiety, and on my panic attacks. I still count all my steps (1234, 2234, 3234, 4234 and so on), I still have bad thoughts that normal people don't have. When I feel a rock through my left shoe, I'll walk around until I find one the same size to step on with my right foot. And when I step on an ant in the quad of my college I still say a quiet apology under my breath…. I just don't feel like I'll die if I CAN'T. A year ago if someone touched my bookshelf, I would have to sanitize my room. When my fish died (RIP) I missed my classes for two days, I couldn't get clean. When I stepped on a crack in the sidewalk, I would have to step on every one so it wouldn't get jealous and hurt me or a friend…. And today, I still walk over the cracks, taking turns on the forward leg so they are equally used, but if I mess up for some reason, I feel sick for a moment, but it passes and I don't have to go back again.
I can't believe that it's been 4 years since I found out that I wasn't insane. I can't believe how lost and how alone I used to feel. Kudos to me, and kudos to everyone else that is slowly getting better. I wish you so much luck.
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Hey, there… I just wanted to let you know that I wasn't trying to be harsh or anything. Truth is, when I read your blog, I did get that questioning feeling in myself… "If she could do it, why couldn't I?" I've tried to go off the zoloft several time and each time, it's been disastrous. I can't afford to go thru that again, as my family pays the price. My children are 10, 7, and 2 and deserve better. Fortunately, I quickly reminded myself of that and all that I've learned- therefore restating, that some of us NEED the medication. (I still hate it though!)
I, too, am very proud of you for where you have gotten yourself!!! You know, people often ask me how long I've had OCD and the more I learn and hear about from people here, I'm convinced that it's been most of my life and I just "covered" it well!! I remember having weird thoughts about cracks and ants– never as "severe" as yours, but listening to you tell about it, I can remember the "weird" feeling that I used to get!
BEST OF LUCK to you… I hope you continue to have this success and I look forward to hearing from you! Also, you need NEVER feel lost and alone again! You've got all us "crazies" right here for you!! Tee, hee….
Have a GREAT day– and watch out for those ants!! 😉
RQ