Tuesday, April 10, 2007

beating

MY doc appt went well.
to those who want to know about that, message me, my blog wont be about that today.
TOmorrow is my shrink appt, and I feel like maybe this is a good thing and yet a bad thing at teh same time, getting on mental disability is something I have pondering for awhile now, and I thin k it is finally the time that I seriously get it started, that and I need to stop denying that I need help, I know for a while now I have been dwelling in the fact that Iam better, I dont need help, but really the times I said that, I really needed mental help more than ever. I need to stop living in the past, I a m pretty futuristic person,b ut with Jasons death, it is hard for me to keep saying I wish I had done this with him, or seen him more, or been able to go tohis funeral. Bc I ended up having a ride at the last minute, but I got really sick, I beat myself up for so many things, I still beat myself up for the pain I caused my husband back in july of 06, when my multiple personalities almost annilated our marriage. But I didnt think it was that bad, and I let it slip and I cost him so much pain. I still am guilty and think I dont deserve him to ever love me bc of that. I beat myself up for so many things, all the time, for not gaining enough weight according to my doc, even though I do everything he says, drink 3 glasses of milk a day add more calories, eat more meat, I do it all, but in my eyes, I am never good enough , I can never satisfy or live up to expectations of my family. certain memberso fm y family think bc of this child I will never get the nursing degree I want, so bc of that, I feel like if they cant have faith in me, why should I believe I c an do it?? I just wanted them to believe in me, I know a stupid thing to want, but i do. I still beat myself up for being at that party last year, and getting raped, if i hadnt left my drink I wouldnt be dealign with the health problems I got from that event, I hate this about me, but yet this is how I am, and I dont know if I can talk about any of this tomorrow, I feel like there are more pressing mental problems, like seeing things, and hearing things that arent there, etc.
Oh well Iam done with this blog.