I've only been in one relationship before.. And really, it was shit. 
At first I was happy, I had found someone who I could talk to. I explained to him how I feel that I need to make people happy. They deserve it, more than me. He promised me that he'd make me happy, That I didn't have to worry about everyone else's feelings before mine. And I was stupid, and believed him. 
At first, it was great. But then my days became routines. I got up, went to school, found him before class, after class he would be there to walk me to my next class, at lunch we'd go outside for a walk, then the whole class routine until school ended. I would get home around three and call him at three thirty. We'd talk until about six when my supper would be ready. After supper we'd usually talk online. about nine I'd call him until my mom would kick us off at about 1. 
This happened day after day. 
After the first week he said the three words that I've never said to anyone, and no one has ever said to me, he said he loved me. I told him that I can't say it, that it's too soon. He was mad and tried to walk away so you know what? I said it, I said the words without meaning it. I love you. It got easy to say it.. I don't know if I ever really meant it.. 
For his birthday I bought him some studs for his lip because he need some.. When I brought they to him he looked at the bag and said, these are too long, they're going to look stupid. I'm not wearing them. Ouch. I was JUST trying to make him happy.. 
That's when it hit me; I'm trying to make him happy, and I"m miserable. 
One night while we were talking on the phone I was reading a text from my friend about our school project that I had to bail on.. why did I have to bail? My boyfriend told me not to go. I read one of our partner's name and almost called him it.. and well.. the phone call didn't last long, he hung up on me. I really didn't mean to. 
The next day I went to his house, and all seemed okay between us and what happened the night before, until he called me by a different name, when I asked about what that was he said it was his ex-girlfriends name, well, that felt nice.. being called an ex's name.. and when I got mad and said, why did you get mad when I called him by my friends name and you hung up. His reply "this is different I cared about her" 
Yeah, it DOES make a difference, it's worse. You know why? Because it means you still think about her more than you do me. Of course I didn't say anything because he'd get mad at me, and how knows what he'd do.. 
Then it was summer, we went out of town for my birthday (it was a bit early but..) And he got me a present. It felt good, because it felt like he actually did care.. 
I was feeling.. a bit happy.. 
The next day I told him I was going to be out for my friend's baby shower..He got mad..but I promised I'd be home early (around three) and call him.
Well, I didn't get home at three.. I got home at seven, my bad. I phoned him though, like I promised. When he picked up of course he started yelling at me.. saying I'm selfish, that I didn't care about him, that other people were more important than he was.. that I was abusing HIM. He added that the present was only because he felt bad for me, he felt that he NEEDED to buy me something. Okay.. Fair enough, I believed him. I apologize, a lot, I kept saying I'm sorry.. i was. I didn't mean to hurt him.. Then he started with, my family, that they didn't like him and so why should he care about me. and that's when he broke up with me. I was hurt.. but at the same time relieved.. 

Two days after we broke up I got news that my little cousin was in the hospital, that my baby cousin, who is scared of needles, who is scared to be away from home, who is never sick was diagnosed with cancer.. 
Right away my father and I packed up and left to go see him, to support him in the hospital. I have never cried so much. I felt helpless. I couldn't take the cancer away, I could get him out of the hospital. I wish it was me in the hospital. I never want to see any of my little cousins hurt or said. They don't deserve it. 

Now the reason why this fits into the blog? Two days after I went on MSN and had on my PM that I was in a different city.. and What do you know, my ex starts to talk  to me. his first thing was. "would you still be there if we were together?" and I replied "yes".  "why" he asked I didn't want to reply to him, he didn't need to know.. but I told him "My little cousin has cancer, I need to be here with him" and the only thing he had to say was "oh" nothing else. He got offline. 
He expected me to stay with him, over my family. I couldn't do that. But I felt like shit. Because he was right the day we broke up. I'm selfish. 

Do you ever find yourself thinking 
"So many people in the world have it worse, there's people in third world countries who are starving to death, and I'm whining about my life"
I do, all the time. I am selfish. 

I'm going to college in a few days, Child and Youth Worker, and after that psychology. I want to help people.. but I'm having second thoughts.. How the hell can I help other people.. when I can't even help myself?