totally loosing the plot rite now. even my computers playing up. feel totally overwhelmed, cant think straight. been so ill with flu, havnt realy bothered trying to do anything, just kinda given up really, but you can do that wen yr ill cant u. but now i realise how everythings mounted up and spent today trying to catch up. no chance, it just feels like everythings going wrong. little things, the sort of things people put down to ‘sods law’ but it is allways these kinds of things that get to me and start my mind rolling towards the dark place. i feel persecuted, pathetic really with all the bigger problems going on. but its this fear that keeps comming back that i am only left alone when i just curl up a dont expect anything, if i try for anything then i feel im just targeting myself for attack. this is my darkest secret, my fear of god, i know that sounds so mad but i was brought up to believe in god, this all seeing all hearing omnipresent power. then as i got older i started to think, if there is this power out there that can do anything why the hell is he letting all this awful stuff happening, i know it is an age old question but as yet i have never got a proper answer. to my mind to let suffering happen when you have the power to stop it is as bad as inflicting the suffering. I wish i didnt believe in any higher power as that would be more of a comfort than thinking there is someone upthere allowing all this crap, becouse that would mean they were sadistic, and that terrifys me. and when all the little things go wrong robbing us of anyenjoyment i gat so mad and feel my torment is gods sport and entertainment. i used to think if he hates me so why doesnt he just kill me? but then i realised you can only kill someone once but you can torture them a lifetime. I dont want to offend anyones faith i really dont. this is just the rantings of a lunitic. sorry.