Let me start off by saying my life has been easy. I mean it in the literal sense everything I have ever had was handed to me. I feel like I haven’t worked for a single thing I own because I haven’t. I’m a 21 year old guy who is going to graduate soon. I’m not sure that I want to tho… Everyday I keep asking myself what is the point? We all live life everyday to inevitably die one day. Why can’t today be my last blah blah blah. I have felt like this for the past 10 months to a year. Everything I loved to do is dead to me. I have no fun with it anymore and can’t find any hobby that I genuinely enjoy.
About 2 months ago I thought I was finally gunna pull through and make it. I met this nice girl from the Disney college program from Thailand. I had my doubts like everyone but was genuinely getting happy. I was sleeping good going out and enjoyed spending time with someone I cared for. During this time tho I was seriously questioning why she would want to be with someone like me? My friends said she genuinely cared but I couldn’t tell and thought she didn’t really care… like why pick me out of all other guys on this planet????? Anyway all the happiness I had found had fallen apart in the span of 2 weeks and was ripped away from me as she was moving back home as her time at dcp was ending. I tired to keep in contact as best as I could but I guess she lost interest???
Since I have turned 21 I regularly abuse alcohol as I love the feeling of being numb. It kind of puts me in peace you could say. With that I make some pretty dumb decisions and I drunk text the girl I was with a couple months ago. Idk why I did it and the cringe was killing me. Awkwardly she replied and we sent like 2 or 3 messages reaffirming to me that she didn’t care anymore which hurts bad. It can’t get over it… It’s all my fault and I can’t figure out where I went wrong. If I could die to relive those 2-3 weeks I would do so in a heart beat. It’s like I’m chasing a fleeting high that I will never experience again in my life. Seriously I doubt I will ever feel joy like that ever again…
On top of all this I recently moved in with my classmate whom I have a close relationship with you could say we are kind of like brothers. He’s a super go getter and motivated. He has this image of me from school where I’m a “hard worker” who gets my school work done. School is the only place I kind of like to go to but even this is slowly dying to me. Anyway now that I have been living with him he finally gets to see the real me. I’m a lazy slob who doesn’t care and has given up. I have to keep putting on a mask it feels to keep up and make him happy. With me being lazy he has had to talk to me. I totally get it tho he wants me to succeed and do well but I just don’t have it in me anymore. He tells me he doesn’t want to be a parent to me but he wants me to stop being lazy as in cleaning lint trap and stuff like that in the common area. I should be doing this but I’m a forgetful dumbass and I’m trying to work on it. It makes me feel bad because I agreed to living with him to save money and I have to respect his wishes but every fiber of my body just has zero care for shit.
People tell me that they love me but the word has ZERO meaning to me. It just feels as empty as gibberish. Most people would feel good and warm after someone they care for says that they love you. Not me it feels empty it makes me think I’m turning into a psychopath. My parents worry about me but I don’t have the heart to tell anyone how I really feel as I feel this is burden that I shouldn’t put on anyone.
As for my career goals I have none. Im just going through the motions. My degree is so wide spread I could pretty much take any path I want but nothing interests me. I keep telling myself my friends and family I’ll work on getting certifications but I keep putting them off and I’m running out of time fast. I graduate in 7 months and I’m seriously thinking about ending it before I graduate.
This brings me back to the point that I don’t want to keep on living anymore. I don’t feel obligated too. Yeah I have to make rent to keep my buddy afloat as I don’t want to royaly fuck him over like that. But in my defense my parents said they would make sure he would be straight if I was to mess up and not make rent. This with everything in the past year just makes me want to end it all. The only problem is that I’m a complete pussy who can’t pull the trigger or swallow the pills….. I really wish I had the balls to do it. Everyday I wake up I pray that a freak accident will happen and itll kill me like a car crash or getting squashed by a crane or some shit you get the point. I have it in my head that at this point no one will really miss me when I’m gone. They say they will but I see otherwise. They might be hurt for a little while but everyone will forget about me.
I don’t know what to do?? Seriously I hate getting up everyday and I hope everyone is my last. I don’t even feel better about typing this and getting it off my chest. It makes me want to off myself even more just thinking about it. I’m not sure if anyone has any advice with while but thanks in advance….