Opened the front door this morning ready for the grocery delivery guy and there was a package sitting on my front doorstep. It was a brithday parcel from my mother. What a nice surprise. I saved the presents for Wednesday so I have something to open on my actual birthday.

Yet again, bills and my kids' upcoming birthdays have rendered my birthday negligible. Which I completely understand. My mother in law, however, doesn't. She gave my husband a huge lecture on the weekend about "how disappointed" I'd be without presents and "how could he do that to me?" He tried to explain to her that it was MY decision. I told my husband that if he wasted money buying me presents when we have so many important things to worry about, I'd be REALLY pissed off. He's just following my wishes. I don't get how a 50 year old woman can be so immature. I'd rather my son have some lovely presents to open on his 1st birthday, than him get nothing because mummy got heaps of gifts and there was no money left! What planet does she live on??!! Yes, it's disappointing, but that's LIFE. In a perfect world, everyone would have birthday celebrations to rival those of hollywood stars, but that just doesn't happen in real life. Other priorities get in the way.

So I opened the card in my little surprise package. There was one from my mum, one from my great aunt with the standard $10 note inside, and one from my pop- who I'm absolutely honored to say, wrote on it himself even though he's got the tremors real bad and doesn't write on anything anymore. God I miss my pop. I wish I could just get in the car and go see him. But he's ten hours away and I'm terrified of driving.

Had a nice chat on the phone to my mum this morning too which was good. It's so nice to be able to just waffle on about anything and everything, without worrying that I'm being annoying or am going to be cut off. She actually enjoys talking to me even if it is about trivial crap. It's a nice change from the supposed "friends" I have who I haven't heard from in months or years.

As much as I love talking to my sister, its ALWAYS about HER. It's been almost 2 weeks since the Dr's diagnosis and my first psych appt; and even though we've talked a few times, she still has no idea how it's all going, what drugs I'm on, what I'm experiencing or how I'm feeling. She never thinks to say "How are YOU doing? What's going on with YOU?" She just talks herself out until she has nothing left to say and then ends the call with excuses about bedtime or shopping or her daughter. It's so frustrating. But I don't know how to approach it wothout it starting a fight. She's extremely defensive about everything and takes major offense to the slightest criticism. Why does everything have to be so damned HARD? Why can't I just say "Look, I'm having a really crap day and I need you to listen to me for once instead of you verbally diarrhoeaing all over me!" without it starting WW3???

I'm just tired and over it all. i'm sick of being hurt and disappointed by people who supposedly care. My "best" friend is another example. We've been friends for nearly 10 years, have been flatmates, co-workers and students together. We had our first borns within 2 months of each other. I saw her through post partum depression and psychosis. I travelled interstate to visit her when she wasn't coping. I spent endless nights and early mornings on the phone with her letting her cry it all out and talking her down from suicide. But now that I'm sick, I haven't heard from her in months.

I text her the other night to tell her what was going on with me and the depression. Her response was "that's no good mate. Do you have support?" Excuse me if I'm totally wrong, but I thought she was supposed to care enough to offer some of that support? Her next message was "Well, I'm here for you mate. Gotta go to bed. Chat soon". Well, thanks alot for NOTHING. If that situation we're reversed, I'd be on the phone immediately finding out what the hell was going on and offering any help I could. Then, just like the last time, I'd be frantically sorting out finances so I could get down to her and make sure she was ok in person.

Now I don't expect her to drop everything and run to me. Not at all. But a "half-hearted-couldn't-really-be-bothered-but-better-say-something-so-I-don't-look-like-a-complete-asshole" response wasn't really what I had in mind!! Am I expecting too much here??!! I feel so lonely and hurt. For the first time, I truly feel like a "lock me up crazy person". It was likeI am an absolute nutter and she wanted to avoid me at all costs. I'm so disappointed in her. She was like a sister to me- we were closer to each other than we were with our own siblings. Now it's like I'm a stranger to her. I don't know what to do. I don't know whether to try contacting her again or just leave it. I don't want to be hurt again.

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After Paul got home from work this afternoon, he mowed the lawn and I scrubbed down the floor of the back patio. Like on-my-hands-and-knees-with-a-scrubbing-brush kind of scrubbing! I don't know what possessed me to do it! I know we have a house inspection in just over a week, but it's an outdoor area- it's normal to have footprints on it! It doesn't have to be clean enough to eat off! Not to mention that if it rains tomorrow like they forecast, we'' I've done it all for nothing. And it's also over a week worth of kids trampling all over it getting it dirty again before the real estate even comes. Why did I do that??? Paul was saying I was being paranoid and I think he's right. I stuffed my back going on this cleaning frenzy for an OUTDOOR area! Something is definately wrong with me.

The only positive is that at least I got a week's worth of exercise today lol. Nice to see the lawn all neat without weeds that are shoulder height too haha.

On another note, I found some info tonight saying that people on SSRI's (particularly fluoxetine like me) can have major probs in the sex department. Loss of libido- check. Inability to become or stay aroused: check. Inability to orgasm: double check. What I don't know is if it's just the Lovan or if its the sleeping tablet too.

Also, SSRI's note insomnia (check again) and anorexia as other potential side effects. Given my massive case of insomnia at the moment, I can't really give up the sleeping tablet before it's had a chance to re-set my sleeping patterns (I've only bee on these new ones for 2 nights)- especially if the Lovan will make the sleeping problems worse. However, its a catch 22. If the sleeping tablets are contributing to the sexual problems as well, then what do I do? I mean, I know I was having some issues with being on the Lovan, but they definately kicked up a notch since being on the sleeping tablets. But how do I know if it's the sleeping tablets or just the fact that I've been on the Lovan for longer than a week now?

Also- the whole anorexia thing- I'm going to have to watch that. My appetite has gotten waaaaay worse than it was before. I NEVER feel hungry. EVER. It's not like I couldn't do with losing a few kilos (I'm not a size 6- I've had 3 kids in 5 years) but if I've gone from loving food to hating it and from eating normally for me ot having trouble stomaching even one meal a day- and all this after only being on the anti-depressants for not even a full 2 weeks- I'm going to have to watch it. It's funny, my mother in law is on Lovan too and I used to wonder HOW IN THE HELL she'd go all day living only on cups of tea and the odd biscuit, and a dinner small enough for a toddler (which she rarely got through), but now I see why. I'm on the same meds and I'm just NOT HUNGRY. And then when I do eat, I feel sick.

I wish I could talk to her about the sexual side effects I'm having without it being weird. It'd be really good to be able to compare experiences with someone who is actually on the same medicine as me. But saying to her "your son tried for an hour and a half the other night and I didn't feel a thing" would be wrong on SOOOO many levels!

Anyway, I'm buggered so I'll leave it here for tonight.

Appetite: biscuit, coffee, bit of steak and veg for dinner

Gynae: light spotting in morning/gone by evening

Sleeping: tabs are working but was up half the night worrying and then got up early to the kids so I'm exhausted today

Mood: stressed, paranoid, sad, hopeless, unsexy, confused, feel like a complete mess

Things that upset me today: my hubby aving to work on yet another Saturday, the side effects I'm having on these meds

Things that I'm grateful for today: my hubby, the kids, my mum, my birthday package, the card from my pop, lawnmowers, coffee, the full moon tonight