Here I am again, alone in a messy little house, WISHING and HOPING that some kind of relief similar to a white dove will fly through my window that I keep open just in case. But nothing…just stillness. Stillness and silence and me. Three very dangerous ingredients for self destruction to take place very quickly. I'm all alone here, and when Eric, my fiance calls to check in from work, I put up a front and really try as hard as I can to sound OK and STABLE and content, which is always exhausting for me. Its not like he has NO idea about my issues or what I'm going through with all of these changes I'm dealing with BY MYSLEF, as I live far from my friends and my family has recently been shattered into pieces sine my mother ran off with some other guy. He KNOWS me very well and I'm very open with him, but at the same time, HE'S suffering too because he is stuck in a job that he HATES and makes him miserable, but he can't quit unless he doesn't mind moving back home with his parents and I do the same. Basically we live pay check to pay check, and while he IS always applying for other jobs, it has still gotten him basically nowhere in finding any. I on the other hand can bring NO income because due to another long story, I was not able to finish my THESIS PROJECT for Montclair State University (a disgusting place) and so I have only 2 WEEKS LEFT to finish it, after my parents and I FOUGHT the university to grant me an extension due to my OCD and Depression spiking when my mother left the house. I was not able to create ANYTHING-I'm an art major and I'm writing a story and illustrating it myself for my final project and what ended up happening was after my mother went nuts, had her affair, and left the house, only the third week into the college year, I became almost crippled with severe depression, by severe I mean thinking of seriously killing myself EVERY day….while my usual OCD spiraled out of controlled IMMENSLEY adding to the depression..in short, I was barley able to attend classes, let alone have the concentration to illustrate beautiful art work and write a story. My advisor who is also the chair of the art dept is also the most condecsending, cold, arragant, lying bastard that I could have had the misfortune of dealing with at this time. I told him about what my situation was -EVERYTHING from my pre-existing OCD, to my new incredibly painful disfunction in my family that had ALWAYS been the ONLY stable piece of my life…..he scoffed , rolled his eyes and looked down his nose at me, telling me basically, "tough shit" I don't care, and compared me to other art students who he said were all able to complete their artwork on time and without any trouble….he was a real son of a bitch. So now, after getting my parents(even my mother), my doctors, and the dean involved (which was pointless seeing as how I later found that my advisor and the dean were besties), they FINALLY granted me an extension on my project. But here's the thing…I SITLL CAN BARLEY DO IT. Art is the ONLY thing I'm GOOD AT, and I have been in a state for so long now, where I simply can't produce ANY artwork without spazzing over ONE PATICULAR drawing for HOURS and hours. I can't make this deadline and its only 2 weeks away and I have like 20 ILLUSTRATIONS TO DO in this time frame…its making Eric crazy, because if I don't finish this project for this son of a bitch advisor of mine, I don't get my BFA degree. So this is ALSO adding to the stress on BOTH OF US…this is why the way I feel every day in this house when I'm alone, I try not to let him know how bad it is…because he already had enough on his plate…HOW MUCH MORE WILL HE TAKE…according to my nightmares which I get EVERY NIGHT, not much more…according to my OCD THOUGHTS AND MY NIGHTMARES, he only has about a week or less until he DROPS ME like the burden that I am to him and never talks or sees me again. Last night I had a nightmare about him leaving me that was SO VIVD, DO AWFUL that I actually woke up screaming and crying…and woke him also…that was great…He laughed it off and joked about it this morning, but it wasn't funny to me at all…I miss my MOM, she's the only one who has ever been able to help me and I can barley help myself! I just wish that a Fairy Godmother would appear right before my eyes and cradle me to sleep in her arms as she would tell me that everything will be alright, you're not alone…but this is reality and such things don't happen here.