Long time since I've posted a blog, today is as good as any….Woke up this morning….Feeling like shit, Feel angry, upset and frustrated. [br]

I've been back home now for just over 4 months and I have only seen my mental health worked TWICE! I'm constantly feeling suicidal and I keep self harming….My arms are such a mess and I wish I could control it but i cant. [br]

I get myself into such a state that i just lose all control. I thought i was coping but im not i keep lying to myself and everyone around me, I keep putting on fake smiles and claim to everyone im happy but im just not….my medication is just shit i take it every day and i still feel no better i try and help my self, i go out for walks i try and keep myself busy but no matter what i do it doesn't help. I tried to make a doctor appointment today and they are so fucking deluded…they wanted me to see a bloody medical student i kept saying no i dont want to see a student i want to see MY doctor it's urgent finally i managed to make an appointment for tomorrow afternoon which is ridiculous but its better than nothing. I'm desperate for some sleeping pills and i need them to review my medication i need something stronger than what im on other wise im going to harm myself badly or i will harm someone else…this scares me! I'm scared of how far i will go…ive tried to kill myself before…nothing stopping me from doing it again…i dont want to have these feelings…i feel selfish just writing this but i cant control my feelings…i cant control what i say or do…im losing my mind…and im scared.