Sometimes I just really don't like myself–or at least that's what comes into my head over and over. I have no idea what I got done yesterday, if anything (besides feeding the dogs), and I actually got up around 9:30!

Today? I laid in bed obsessing and obsessing so much that I was frozen in fear. It took a lot of strength to make myself get up. I was mostly obsessing about that that guy in the library might find me somehow. My sister told me to never give any information to someone like that. She's right; I shouldn't have. All I gave was my age and my first name, but still. She's right; he could look me up on facebook or something. Normally, I don't care if people know those two things about me, but if he really is some kind of stalker…. I feel stupid. In reality, I know that anyone put in that situation is likely to do something stupid like that.

Anyway, there is a victory today; it took me a few hours to go through with it, but I finally ordered The OCD Workbook on amazon. I've been tryingto make myself do that fora long time. Every time I looked at all thelistings I could never decide which one was the best deal, so Inever went through withit. I looked at the book at Barnes & Noble recently, but of course, wasn't going to buy it there. I'm a cheapskate.

I feel that I am afraid to try to get better and I hate myself for that.What kind of sick person doesn't wanttoget better?Maybe I'm afraidI'lltry and it won't work? Idon't know.

I've been crying a lot today–just over making silly little decisions. I hate that it's so hard to figure out what to do today and that it ends up coming down between things like taking a shower or buying a book on amazon. Each thing is so exhausting and time-consuming, how can I think to do anything else? I'm sick of it!

1 Comment
  1. michaelg 12 years ago

    I'm sorry to hear about your day =(

     

    I go through times like that as well, feeling like I don't want to be better for the same reason: What if it doesn't work?

    I've been trying to buy the OCD workbook for some time now – but haven't had the confidence to. I can't buy online – no credit card or debit card or anything =/

    So I have to go to the book store and buy it physically – a feat that I can't seem to do. I'm glad you were able to buy it, I think I'm going to make it goal for myself to buy it before the end of the month. Just remember your victories. They may seem few and far between but a V is a V. =)

     

    Hope things start looking up for you! =)

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