arrrgggghhhhhhh!!!! feck feck feck i just poured and ranted my brain out and the fecking fuckign internet page fecked up and now i dont knwo hwo to beign again.

8 years ago i hit a bump in the road and gained over 100lbs. Every year since i have stayed around the same weight. Last year I treied something new and 1 yeaar ago this time I weighed 22lbs less. Today Its back and its hard.

Today i feel SICK and i dont know why. It si the first day of a new life for me no diet cause i never have and FUCK DIETS cause yeah fucking right they make no sense you loose it and then you start back eating you old stuff and here it comes with a BANG.

I am starting a LIFE CHANGE, cause all the experts agree no matte rif you have surgery or diet or whatever you gotta change FOR LIFE you bet. I DONT WANT TO NEVER EAT CARBS or sugar or junk food. WHY should that be necessary ? I do want to live a life where I dont eat that extra cookie a day that leads to 10 lbs a year weight gain. I DO want to stop OVER EATING.

I saw a guy on t.v. who said it best – YOU CAN BE A DRUG ADDICT, ALCOHOLIC OR CHAIN SMOKER AND IF YOU STOP YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE THOSE THINGS AGAIN BUT IF YOUR ADDICTED TO FOOD, IF IT HAS BECOME THE THING YOU TURN TO YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE TO SEE IT AND USE IT EVERY DAY JUST TO LIVE AND THATS THE CHALLENGE. He fights his addiction by having absolutely no food in his house no letovers ever nothing, buys day to day only EXACTLY what he needs for that day no more.  I dont want to be like that but I can see where to stay healthy to not overeat you may become like that.

and for many of you  out there who dont understand let me try to explain. Its all well and good to say hey they dont want to be fat they just need to eat less. yes i get that and even through i  have eaten less this year then in my "low" days i am still the same weight I am "maintaining" my weight by oh a few hundred extra calroies a day. I the things that you take for granted. a cup of tea a few biscuits, mayonaise in your tuna or chicken sandwhich on the run, those little things that mean nothing to you all add up in my world. worse yet is the CRAVING

you drug addicts or booze people know what i mean. Somethign happens- the length of time since your last hit, the small size of the meal before you, the thought that you may have to wait a long time before your next fix , hey even boredom- and BANG you find yourself starting at the cupboard door, or the fridge and thinking how did i get here WHY am i doing this HOW can i stop. This is NOT about APPETITIE (thus why appretite suppressants DONT work) this is simply CRAVING and unlike somking there is no PATCH to get my through, feeling full till I want to vomit wont stop me and for some people putting it in the bin doesnt even matter. Its there and you are there and BY GOD OR BY ANYTHIng YOU BELIEVE IN you want it. You can taste it, feel it. Now leaving home doesnt help – goign for a walk FUCK THAT – all the shops you pass by the junk food places, bakeries, people just standing there on the street doing what you WANT TO DO despratly, and you crash and its OVER. IT TOOK ME YEARS- to not give up when i crashed and have whatever and loads o fwhatever. It took me years to cut back and back and back and for 8 yearso work i am a whole 15lbs lighter. So now this a lifestyle change. Fruit instead of cookies ? I didnt fully make it but i didnt go nuts. Only water no tea or juice- again crashed but not too bad. For the first time in year i had under 2000 calories in a day but i feel SICK inthe back of my throat as though my stomach acid is coming out cause theres nothign to keep it busy. now i know that should not be right but its how i feel. THRID time today. i hope i can keep this cahnge going Day One finally over.