Everyone says I’m so lucky to have a sister like her but it’s easy to say that when they get the fun loving side of her. It’s one of those relationships I don’t think can ever change. I’m in a constant state of not knowing where I stand with her because I don’t know which side of her personality I’m going to get. Growing up, my mom wasn’t well and would often unleash fury upon me that turned physical. I can’t remember why or when it stopped, it just did. After it stopped that’s when my sister started assuming she learned from example. She was emotionally and physically abusive with me and it went unnoticed for years. Around my late teens when I was trying to understand my trauma to try and better understand my depression and anxiety also to lessen the blame I was putting on myself. Asking my sister why I they were physical with me when I was defenseless, she said it was the only way to control me. I think it was a month later we went to the mall together and I accidentally tripped her by stepping on her shoe. She was so angry with me she didn’t let me in the car then forced me to sit in the backseat. I came back upset about something I hadn’t even done intentionally. That next day I confronted her about the way she treated me this way (she was still angry with me and spent that day yelling at me every time I did something). My sister denied everything then pretended to hear me and vowed to change from then on. It didn’t change, it would be off and on then she would start again knowing she could get away with it. There was another time we were out running errands and I said I was going to the bathroom and I’d meet her back at a store she needed to stop at. The bathroom was in a department store and I’d be maybe gone for two minutes. Halfway there, she yanks me back by the shoulder, screaming at me in the middle of the store for abandoning her after going over what I was going to do three times. When I tried to tell my parents, my sister had already created a cover story. It wasn’t until my late teens did my parents actually see her true self and realized what they had been protecting. My whole life any time I told or even tried to defend myself, she’d scream and cry then I would be in trouble. Some days she acts like we are best friends and other days she makes me feel like crap. I try to open up to year especially about all that happened in 2017 and she shuts me down. If past experiences effect me, she says I should be able to laugh about them because they happened so long ago. I see the disappointment in her face that I’m not fully recovered at her pace. I want a sister and if she could stick to one personality we could actually have a shot. Instead I find myself putting up a front to tolerate her for as long as possible