Today has not been one of my best days. Who am I kidding? Actually it's been this whole month that I've been a mess. Not only amI dealing with the depressive issues, I've also had (and continue to have) anxiety all of the time. The only time I don't feel stressed and anxious is in my sleep.

There's something wrong here. I don't know what it is, but maybe the depression is deepening ~ the few things that I did glean pleasure from no hold no allure for me. Instead I just sit somewhere and space-out for awhile. Doing my chores and such is near impossible for me because of how I'm feeling. To avoid the weird feelings I'm experiencing I'm sleeping a LOT. I've been going to bed around 8:30-9 p.m. and getting up at 6:30 or so to take my son to school. Often though I wake during the night and I'm completely awake for several hours, and if I can I try to go back to sleep. I'm not a fun person to deal with when I'm tired.

Then about noon I go back to sleep and sleep until I have to go get Zachary from the bus stop at 2:30. What's strange is that I feel more protected and safe sleeping in my son's twin bed than I do in my own room. I don't have nightmares when I sleep there.

I think maybe Heather hit the nail on the head about why I'm feeling "weird" and uncomfortable. My anxiety and sleep issues may be creating the detachment. I've experienced this quite a few times, just never put 2 and 2 together. The problem is, I don't know how to fix it. I try to keep my sleep structured by going to bed around the same time every night and getting up at the same time every morning. But to even get to sleep at night I am still having to take OTC sleeping pills to knock me out. I don't think my doctor is willing to give me any pharmaceutical sleep aid, he seems to steer away from that every time I bring it up.

Today I slept until 11:30 a.m.. I NEVER sleep that late. I woke up at 7 a.m. and went back to bed at 9, and then slept another 2 and a 1/2 hours. Right now I'm really disgusted with myself. I just feel like I can't do anything right or "normal". I can't even sleep without medication. Why is that? Is it because I'm not exercising on a regular basis, or is the caffeine from coffee and other drinks, or is it more based on my illness and my fears?

Okay, enough about sleep. Sorry, but it seems to dominate my thoughts.

My evening was amusing last night. Zachary was in his room watching tv and Mom, Aaron and I were sitting in the living room enjoying the peace and quiet (2 good days in a row with Mom, crossing my fingers for more…). For Christmas Zachary got this really cool contraption that shoots marbles up a tube and then they wander down through this maze until it hits the motor again and the whole process starts over again. There's 10 balls or so, and in the dark the marbles glow and so does the maze. Well, Mom sat on the floor and started playing with it. Soon enough all 3 adults were on the floor playing and acting like kids. It was fun.

During the day yesterday my husband, son and I met up with my best friend and her daughter at the Flea Market. It's a pretty big one, takes 30-40 minutes to walk all the way down it. I was looking for something specific ~ I fell in love with a dress that one of the stores had in Orlando but they are only made in small sizes. Michelle, (best friend), told me that the Market had tons of different ones for about 10-15 dollars and they had multiple sizes. After trying about 3 different stalls we found one that had everything from Extra Small to Extra Large. I found a beautiful dress in my size and it was $13.00. She found a gorgeous one too for $8.00! Unfortunately with mine I can't wear it except at the house, it shows WAY too much cleavage, lol. But I was looking for something to wear around the house anyhow.

Tonight we're going over to their house to play Yahtzee, eat dinner and let the guys watch the game while Michelle and I talk about girls' stuff and keep an eye on the kids. Hope this will brighten my spirits some.

I hope everybody is having a good day and enjoying something they love to do. Hugs always.

1 Comment
  1. Andie372 10 years ago

    My doctor prescribes Temazepam for my sleep and also I take Xanax for anxiety. Whether you're pro or anti med I have to say my meds make my life manageable. It sounds like your depression is getting worse instead of better. I always call my doc when this happens to me. Also went through years of therapy regarding childhood abuse and my anxiety is less now

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