I feel drained. Like someone stole all my energy… And I have not done many rituals lately. I just feel tired. Really really tired. I did however do a few counting ones and a few floor mat ones. I stopped myself from doing it once and startedto freak out a little bit. But I didn't give in. That's when the I don't care, whatver, entered my head.
So yeah… Work was Mk. I did not want to go. I lazied around until 6pm then took a shower. Didn't get to work until 7:30. I just couldn't get off the couch. I kept telling myself get up and go get ready. And I would answer in my head, in a little bit, this feels good. leave me alone. Just laying here doing nothing. All stretch out under a blanket. leave me alone stupid thoughts. Then I looked at the stupid clock and made myself get up. It took every ounce of energy I had to get up. Which wasn't much. The shower felt good. The water on my skin. Then I mustered up enough energy to get dressed. I wanted to just lay back down and do nothing. But I knew I couldn't… Because i had to go to stupid work…
Then I got to work and I didn't feel like working… i was hopeing it would just clean itself. But I knew that wasn't going to happen. I didn't start until about 8:30. Then I forgot where I put my keys and had to retrace my steps. Then it just felt like I was doing things, like mmm whatever.
Now I am going to go to bed. That sounds nice.
I'd have a good physical and my medications checked for strenth and appropriateness,
See that's the thing… I don't think I am depressd. I mean I know depression and being tired go hand and hand but it was like I was just enjoying not doing anything so much, I so felt comfortable, so relaxed, that I didn't want the moment to leave me. I haven't felt like that in, well, never!
And now I am up after sleeping eight hours and when I woke up, I just laid in the bed for a few, thinking wow I feel really good, this feels really good, I don't want to get up because it feels so good. But I feel so stupid. Then the dog jumpped on the bed and I played with her for a few, then I got up. And now I am tired but I'm not at the same time. And I keep telling myself to do things. Like I am reading a book in my head. And for some reason I feel so stupid. But I know I am smart… Fuck if I know! I think maybe I'm going crazy but I know I am not.
But thank you for all of you input! 😀 Keep it coming!