Where I am now compared to where I was 2 months ago is significantly better.  What really helped me was making a list of every room in my house and of everything in those rooms that I had to check.   It took me about 2 hours the first time I made the list.  But I would put things like:

Check Lamp on Table 

Check Lamp on Table again

Check Lamp on Table again

Check Lamp on Table again

I did this for everything in my house that I felt compulstions to check over and over.  And believe me there were a LOT.  Probably about 100 things.  This is why I was up till 3 or 4 in the morning every night.  

I made a rule that I could only check what was on the list and only as many times as was on the list.  Having these "rules"  made it easy for me to keep my checking under control.  Everytime I felt an urge to check, I would say "I can't.  That's the rules."  For some reason, my urges significantly lessened after that.  I can't explain why.  But everyday I would eliminate one thing from that list.  Maybe it would be only checking the living room lamp 3 times instead of 4.  Something totally easy.  But everyday, I would eliminate 1 thing until gradually my list got smaller and smaller and my compulsions became less and less.  Now I am to the point where I don't need the list anymore.  I still feel compulsions but for the most part they are manageable.  (With the exception of the kitchen lights and appliances and the bedroom closets.)  But even those aren't nearly as bad as they once were.   

I sort of had another epiphany about my OCD.  My first anxiety disorder, my panic disorder, began after my husband's heart attack.  I was so scared of losing him that my brain just sort of freaked out and turned my inner alarms on "HIGH" and so I over-reacted to everything in my brain's pathetic attempt to keep me safe.  Hence, my panic disorder.  

This time it was my babies that died and my brother in law dying.  I never realized it until last week but my brother in law died of the same disease that my husband has and I think it triggered my fears of losing him all over again.  Although I never realized it.   I had conquered panic attacks, so my brain knew that was no way to get my attention.  So it came up with OCD as a way to shake me up and say "Look out!  The world is unsafe!"    I think I may have blogged about all of this before but the fact that I now realize that alot of it stems from my fear of losing my husband, which is the same fear I had before, is a big step for me.  Its a big wake up call.  It shows me that I am scared to death to live on my own.  That I think I can't make it without him . That I feel weak and helpless and totally dependent on him in order for me to feel "normal."  And I don't want to be that way.  I want to rely on myself to be okay no matter what happens in my life.  Even if I am left all alone.  I don't want to be the kind of person who gets hit with an anxiety disorder that takes a year to recover from every time something bad happens in my life.  I want my brain to have a little faith in me that I know how to take care of myself.  Cuz right now, my brain thinks I can't handle shit.  And that is why it keeps trying to protect me by making me super cautious and super scared all the time.   It is trying to alert me to any possible threat, no matter how tiny, so that I will stay safe.  Well I am sick of my brain having no faith in me.  I want my brain to know that no matter what happens, I CAN HANDLE IT.   I am not weak.  I am strong.  You don't have to make me check locks 20 times.  You don't have to make me check my stove every 5 minutes.  You can let me let my guard down and just breathe.  You can let me trust my judgement and let me remember that I am a competent, intelligent person who is smart enough to know when a light is really off or a door is really locked.   

But the only way to do this is for me to teach my brain that I am that way.  My brain will never tell me I am strong.  I have to tell IT I am strong.  By not being stressed out every second of my life.  By not walking around with my shoulders hunched up around my ears and every muscle in my body tense.  By not losing my temper so much and by not checking things over and over again.  I have to teach my brain that I am calm and cool and I have things under control.   Because so far that is NOT what I have been doing.  I have been telling my brain that the world is a big mess and I can't handle it.   My brain is only reacting the way I taught it to and I have to teach it that everything is okay now and it can chill out.   It is a vicious cycle.  I worry so my brain responds with anxiety and OCD symptoms and that makes me worry more which creates more symptoms.   I can't sit around and wait for my brain to stop the cycle.  I have to stop the cycle myself.   I have written about this before but I always seem to let the anxiety take back over again .  I need to really stick with it and make relaxation and positive thinking a part of my life again.  Just as I did when I had my panic disorder.  When I recovered from my panic disorder, I was a poster child for positive mental health. I did meditation and deep breathing and affirmations and the whole bit.  I felt so great that I started my own website.  But then I got lax and sure enough the anxiety crept back in again.  I can't do that. I have to stick with my recovery program my whole life and I can never get lax.  Just like an alcoholic.  My brain is very prone to anxiety.  It is addicted to anxiety.  And if I don't do the work to keep it away, it will come back.  Especially when given a trigger like I had last fall.  If I had been keeping up with my affirmations and deep breathing this anxiety may never have reared its ugly head.  

I am rambling and repeating again. Sorry about that.  Hope this wasn't too boring to read.   Let me talk about how I am actually going to try to do better…something positive.  

I am going to deep breathe for at least 20 minutes every day.  I am going to do my affirmations again and my muscle relaxation every day.  I am going to slow down my rate of speech and be conscious of how tense my muscles are.  I am going to talk to myself in a postive manner and I am going to cut out nicotine and caffeine completely.  These are all the things I preach to other people about but for some reason can't seem to do myself.  I know from past experience that it does help.  It makes a world of difference.  So I am going to make it a part of my life again.

And lastly, I am going to go cold turkey on the rest of my OCD compulstions.  It will be so hard but I have to do it.  I will check everything once and that is it.  No matter how much it sucks, I am going to sit down and force myself to live with the unknown.  To live with uncertainty.  I am going to ask myself what is a "real fear" and what is an "irrational fear".  And if it is irrational, I am going to sit on my butt and ignore it.  Just as my OCD book says, the compulsions do decrease the more you ignore them.  I learned that the past few months by gradually decreasing my amount of checks.  But there are a few that I am really stuck on that I see no other choice but to cold turkey so that is what I am going to do.  No double checking even if I feel like my eyes will pop out of my head if I don't.  

Wish me luck!

PS….I had 3 frozen embryos transferred today in hopes of getting pregnant again.  It is our first time trying to conceive since losing my twins in November.  Please wish me luck with that as well.  Your thoughts and prayers would be SO appreciated.  This is probably the last chance I will ever have to try again.  Thank you!!!