I suppose that I was biologically engineered to thrive on suffering and misery and self-sacrificing.  In a very masochistic way, it nourishes me.  I am insecure and inferior and it is a vibe that I clearly project in all social encounters… anytime, every time.  So it is how I define myself, and apparently, the impression that I wish for other humans to receive from me.  My insecurity and misery is really all I know.  It's what I'm good at, I guess.

I spend a lot of the time considering how I am missing out on beautiful sex and love that is at least somewhat of a two-way street.  Frank and I are not sexually compatible at all, and it's really destroying me…. or rather, the guilt of my feelings is destroying me… and Frank expresses his anger toward my "selfishness," although I think it's more like "unsatisfaction" and "unhappiness" and harbored feelings….. it's like, he gives me no reason to make me want to satisfy him or make him happy…. in regard to sex or otherwise.  It's very sad because he thinks I am a generally unsexual and unsensual being (perhaps that's a projection of his unhappiness with his weight and dick size)… when I actually think about having sex… amazing sex… and the possibility of amazing sex…. constantly….. that is, I constantly consider what it would be like to have sex with almost every guy I see, regardless of certain factors…. I just wonder how they are in bed.  And I acknowledge that there's nothing wrong with that…. it's just that I chose not to express it to Frank.  I'd just rather not deal with his reaction…. knowing that he'll subconsciously use it against me later on.

And that's one of the main underlying problems with him…. I tell him white lies or little lies or withhold information from him because I'd just rather not deal with the dialogue or his bitching and moaning about any given topic.  I admit that I feel it's just generally not worth it to discuss my feelings with him because his reactions are full of anger or condescending criticism toward me.. somehow, he always blames me for my negative feelings about anything/everything.  This causes me to feel completely alone in the world… it's like, if I don't have his positive support (he's the person who understands me the most), then I'm on my own.

My entire persona is that of a deer in headlights…. this stagnant… stasis…. like metaphorically bed-ridden.


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